Monday, December 22, 2008

Santa Claus is Coming to Town

I've decided I need to take a break from blogging. I'm not sure how long it will be or when I shall return, but I need this for me, for my well-being. I feel guilty when I don't blog, and I feel guilty when I do blog. I feel guilty when I don't have time to comment and then comments appear on my posts. I feel guilty when I am tagged and don't respond. I feel like I am not being a good supporter and cheerleader right now. And trust me- this has nothing to do with you all; it has everything to do with me.

In the mean time, Wishing 4 One tagged me, and I am complying.

The rules are:

1. Link to the person who tagged you.

2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about you.

3. Tag 7 random people at the end, and include links to their blogs.

Here goes...

1) I have my own language that people close to me understand. I have no clue where I came up with it, but my family and friends just accept it as normal. A few examples from my own language library are as follows:
  • I need to speak with you = I have a story to tell you.
  • What's for leonard? = What's for dinner?
  • Make you. = Thank you.
  • How do you do? = What's going on?
  • You hurt my feelers. = You hurt my feelings.
  • The baby was come. = I am so full I could pop.
  • I need a bankin = I've been naughty and need to be spanked.
  • Will we eat lessert? = Do you want dessert?
  • Will you be my friend? (said to my husband about 100 times a day) = I need confirmation and affirmation that you are my friend and love me unconditionally.
2) When I set my alarm or anything to do with time (timer on the microwave, nap alarm, etc), I always set it at an odd time. I cannot have the time end with even numbers, zeroes, or fives. Thus, I set my alarm to wake up at 6:13 or set the microwave to heat my coffee for 47 seconds.

3) I prefer champagne more than any other alcohol. I love it!

4) Poop and "gas" are very interesting to me. I think they are fun topics to discuss, but my husband thinks this is disgusting and refuses to entertain me and discuss these topics with me.

5) Our dogs have more nicknames than anyone we know, and they respond to their names and all their nicknames. A few of Tucker Bug's nicknames are Buggers, Tuck, Buggins, Bugs, Punkin', Booty, Buddy, Tuckins, and Buttercup. A few of Moxie's nicknames are Mox, Fatty, Big Girl, Sis, Baby Girl, FattyBoombaladdie, Naughty, Sister, Sniffers McSnifferlotts, Nosey McNifferlotts, Sissy, and Naughty Baby.

6) I love sending and receiving things in the mail. Like LOVE it! Nothing makes me happier than to send even a small token or card or receive something from someone else via snail mail.

7) I have a hard time with visualizing things and depth perception. If Babe wants to rearrange the furniture and asks if I think it will look good a certain way, I always tell him to move it and then I'll tell him if I like it. If he asks if a pair of shoes and shirt go together, he has to try it on for me to see before I can decide. When driving, I often wait until the coast is very clear before turning because I have almost been in so many accidents from "cutting it too close." Sometimes I have to Babe if it is okay to turn because my depth perception is so off. I don't discuss what happens when he is not in the car because it scares him.

I tag anyone that wants to participate and share 7 weird things about themselves. Come on; someone has to be a bigger fruitcake than I am. HA!

Last but not least, I thought I would share some Christmas pictures of our house with you~

This is our dining room. The carolers on top of the fireplace are from my great-grandmother.

We had to buy a new, skinny tree this year because we rearranged our den. Our tree is completely decorated with vintage Christmas ornaments. The display case below sits next to our tree and houses vintage decorations my husband loves.

These next few are of my office~

*A special blogger friend sent me the pine cone you see in this picture. I never knew the pine cone was a symbol of fertility, but it is. What a special gift for her to send. Thank you, friend, for your thoughtfulness!

Happy holidays to everyone! I hope 2009 brings you all the blessings you desire!

"Christmas day is a day of joy and charity. May God make you very rich in both." (Phillips Brooks)

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Better Late Than Never

I've been MIA. I've been a terrible blogger in the sense that I have been reading but not commenting very often. I've been an awful supporter. I'm sorry! I can't even tell you why. I have been taking a break from all the infertility stuff, and it is doing wonders for my heart and mind. But doing so has also left me feeling disconnected and like I am ignoring the one thing I truly want. Apparently I have some feelings I still need to work through...

Nonetheless, things are well, and I am thankful the holidays are here! I love this time of year: the hustle and bustle, the lights, the music, the excitement and anticipation, buying gifts, celebrating and reconnecting! I love it all, despite the complete busy-ness that also makes some of us pull our hair out and overextend ourselves and our time!

I've been waiting on My Peah to send me some of her Halloween pictures since they showed my full costume, but she is having issues with her Internet. I told you I would post some Halloween pictures, so here are a few from the Big Bash. Even though they're over a month old, it's better late than never, right?

This is My Peah (my BFF) and me with my crazy red eye lashes that could also serve as an airplane landing strip. I just had to wear them, although with that grin on my face, it's hard to look like a true biker.

This is My Peah's brother, "T", and their sister. Her sister, "E," was actually my "lover" for the night.

And this is "E," and me again, showing off our matching tattoos.
You can kind of see my cool pleather pants in this shot.

*I have been informed that the word "cool" and "pleather" do not belong in the same sentence,
but they truly and sarcastically do for Halloween.

This is the end of the night (as if you can't tell). Just posting these pictures is cracking me up. It was so nice to let loose and enjoy myself with friends.

Another end-of-the-night picture. HA!

And since I'm smiling right now, I thought I'd post something to make you smile: A Giveaway!
Jill has a magnificent basket she is giving away in honor of her 100th post on The Averitt Family blog! Go offer her congratulations for her 100th post and enter her drawing. You will absolutely be amazed at the beautiful goody-stuffed basket she put together for one lucky winner! Congratulations, Jill! We are honored to have you as such a strong supporter in our community!
"I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month." (Harlan Miller)

Monday, November 10, 2008

It's Beginning to Look

... a lot like Christmas.

Now, here's a little Hope2morrow diddy for you all (sung to the tune of "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas")-

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Like my new design?
Take a trip to Danielle's site, get a new blog for your life
And yours'll be pretty as mine.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Danielle is so cool!
She's great at designing blogs, doesn't look like a frog
Won't even charge you a mule.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I love my new theme
Go see what she can do, for the price of only a few
Your new design will be a dream!

Danielle did another truly amazing job redesigning my blog for the holiday season. Doesn't it just put you in a great mood? Danielle's holiday blogs are cheaper than her regular makeovers (BIG sale going on through the end of today) and she does a phenomenal job (as you can see). I'm always impressed with her creativity, imagination, and professionalism! I hope you'll check out her site and see what she can do for you this holiday season! In the mean time, enjoy my new look until I get a chance to post more, especially the lovely Halloween pics....

"We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup." (Buddy the Elf from Elf)

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Cheers: Halloweenie Party!

I'm headed out of town this weekend to see my BFF, "My Peah." She and her brother always have a big shindig to celebrate Halloween. I wasn't able to go last October because we were in the middle of an IUI with injectables cycle, but I am stoked about the party this year! I plan to drink enough for all of us, especially those of you that can't drink right now. Not that I'm a lush- I just love to celebrate good times and don't often have a reason to do so.

I'm going as a "biker" and will post pictures once I return. Everyone always dresses up for the party, and we hang out, munching on finger foods and playing Guitar Hero and pool. The year before last, I don't think the party ended before 4:00 AM. Yep, it's a BIG party! And, of course, I get to see my favoritest and bestest friend in the whole world. I honestly cannot wait!

Cheers to those of you that can't drink; I'll toast to you this weekend, spreading well wishes and luck, and cheers to those of us that can. May the witches brew drinks, treats and babies for us all!

"I'll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween." (Author Unknown)

Thursday, October 23, 2008

To cup, or not to cup: that is the question

  • 3 and 3/4 years
  • 46 months
  • 1,391 days
  • 33,384 hours
  • 2,003,040 minutes
  • 120,182,400 seconds
This is the length of time I've been dealing with infertility. No wonder Grief and I are battling it out, and he is winning. Grief has the upper hand in this fight. I recently let him literally pin me to the ground to the point where I could barely breathe. I am done with that. I don't want him in control, so I am finding new ways to gain my control back!

My latest adventure lead me to a Chinese herbalist and acupuncturist. Yep, it sure did. I read a book that said when you are searching for an acupuncturist in your area, you should make sure they are listed with the National Certification Commission for Acupuncture and Oriental Medicine. There were only two "doctors" listed in my area, and I knew of one of the facilities because I had received a wonderful massage there previously. I opted to go there, basing my decision on my one-time visit with them and the quality massage I received.

My initial visit lasted a little over two hours, and we discussed every aspect of my emotional & physical imbalance. The first visit with this lady was quite uncomfortable because I was asked to get completely naked (please don't try and visualize this) and lie face down on the massage table with covers on top of me. My Balancer, as I'll refer to her, proceeded to tell me about acupuncture and inserted the needles into different areas of my neck, back, shoulders, calves, and feet. In case anyone who is reading this has never tried acupuncture, let me tell you that I am not scared of needles but in most cases, I couldn't even feel the needles going in as they were being placed. There were a few instances where I felt a sting for about three seconds, but it went away very quickly. After all the needles were in place, she turned the lights down, played some soothing music, and told me to relax for a few minutes. I nearly feel asleep I was so relaxed.

When she came back in, she removed the needles and asked if she could try a procedure called "" on me. Now, let me give you some background- I was diagnosed with sc0li0sis when I was in 3rd grade. It is now severe scoliosis. I never wore a brace, but doctors wanted to perform a half-million-dollar surgery to put a rod next to my spine to straighten it. Not even a chance! But as a result of the scoliosis, I have seventeen or so vertebrae that have little to no padding between them. As you can imagine, my sc0li0sis gives me severe headaches and major back pain. Anyway, back to my story...My Balancer asked me if she could do this procedure on me, and I asked her what is was for and what it involved. She told me it was for chronic pain. It is a procedure where glass jars are lit on fire and placed to create a vacuum that pulls the skin into the jar to help separate the muscle; it also helps with circulation. Why not? I couldn't see anything since I was face down anyway?

My Balancer warned me that the suction from the jars could leave marks on my skin for a few days, and the ones that were the most red were areas where the was helping the most with pain and circulation.

So, I'm going to post a few pictures. If you are easily grossed out, these pictures might not be for you, but I wanted to show you what the end result looks like because it really freaked Babe.

*These two pics are the day the actual was done. The spots under my bra straps on either side are actually pretty tender right now, but those are the only ones that have been that way in the three times I have done this.

*This picture is two days after the was done.

And no, those are not perfectly round hickeys. Ha!

So, to finish my story, after the jars were removed and the complete, My Balancer asked me to flip onto my back and then proceeded with the acupuncture on my collar bone area, stomach, calves, and feet. I felt "lighter," if that even makes sense, but I wasn't sure it was worth the cost of the treatment the first time I went.

I have been to My Balancer a total of three times, and I am now hooked! It has done wonders for me- I sleep better, have less digestive issues, my back pain has been reduced drastically, I have less headaches, feel less stressed and I think it is also helping improve my attitude in general.

I will continue going as long as I feel like it helps. In the mean time: Grief, you better watch out! I am on my way back up and will soon be able to whip you with my hands behind my back!

"He who conquers others is strong; he who conquers himself is mighty." (Lao-tzu)

Saturday, October 4, 2008

A Fabulous Deal

Because Danielle is so cool, she is currently offering $20 off all her blog makeovers through October 10th. What a deal! Many of you have commented on the blog makeover that Danielle did for me, so I highly recommend you take advantage of this amazing deal AND donate to The Susan G. Komen Foundation at the same time.

Danielle also designed this beautiful button for Breast Cancer Awareness in October. Feel free to add it your blog too.I'm telling you- you won't regret your decision to have Danielle give your blog a face lift. She is one fabulous, amazing chickie!

Thanks again, Danielle! I respect your giving heart and amazing talent. You have given me great joy the past few days. Thank you for opening my soul to allow a new friendship to blossom. You rock!

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." (Carrie Bradshaw)

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

The "New Do"

Whatcha think of the new do? Personally, I don't think my blog makeover could have come at a more perfect time, I tell ya. Danielle has done an absolutely amazing job, in my opinion. This girl totally rocks! She worked with me to design exactly what I had in mind, she was patient as I changed my mind and wanted to try new things, and she gave me ideas I wouldn't have thought of had she not suggested them. Her blog designs are very affordable, and she is donating a portion of each blog design from now until Tuesday, October 7th to The Susan G. Komen Foundation.  You should go get check out her site, get on her waiting list, and create your own blog magnificence so money will be donated to cancer research. Now! Go check her out! Seriously! NOW I said!

I could honestly go on and on about Danielle!  I have made a new friend in her and am actually working on a surprise project/idea for you all that she is helping create. I can't wait for it to all come together! Danielle, thank you so much for your help! I adore you and our new friendship!

Now, as for help with my contest- I'd like to thank all of you for your input! I have selected two winners: (drum roll, please)

Jill and poppy.f.seed. Ladies, thank you for your help and ideas. I have some medications to send you, so please email me your address. Jill, I'm going to send you a PIO and Estradiol. Poppy, I am going to send you PIO and HCG. Thank you again for your help. My email is

Babe and I actually decided it might be weird and self-indulgent to give the pictures of us as Christmas gifts so we sorta combined a few of your ideas. We decided to make a CD of our favorites to just give to everyone now. That way our family can pick what they want and have their own copies made. This works for us, and it seems less awkward than giving them as gifts. Thanks for your input and ideas!

As far as my failed cycle, I am trying to make the best of it. I feel really awful that I haven't even been able to talk to My Peah on the phone about it. I text messaged her and told her the results were negative, I couldn't talk because I was too upset (nothing against her), and needed some time to process. I feel like a total ass, but every time I even think about this cycle, I bawl. I feel like a blubbering baby. Why is it so difficult to move forward? And why am I treating one of my best confidantes like crap when all she wants to do is support me? If you're reading this, Peah, I love you and am very grateful for you and your friendship. I am just struggling. Struggling to get out of bed. Struggling to make it through the day. Struggling not to curse Aunt Flo, who arrived tonight with a vengeance. Things will get better. Every day, they will.

In the mean time, I am desperately trying to catch up on posts. Bear with me....

"When you're depressed, the whole body is depressed, and it translates to the cellular level. The first objective is to get your energy up, and you can do it through play. It's one of the most powerful ways of breaking up hopelessness and bringing energy into the situation." (O. Carl Simonton)

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Stupid Results

 I feel like I'm disappointing myself, Babe, and the entire world as I type this: My HcG was negative. Why do I feel like God and the world are rejecting me?

"It's not the end of the world, but sometimes it sure feels like it." (hope2morrow)

Sunday, September 21, 2008


I realized today that all of us struggling through infertility are like veins. Veins support one another, transport, bleed, and are intertwined. You all are the veins in this journey, carrying me through when times are tough, transporting peace and hope, bleeding with me when my heart cries, reaching out when help is needed, and weaving your way into my life like you will never understand. Thank you for your support.

These past few weeks have been so busy, and I feel horrible for not commenting at the pace I usually do. I think things will be better in the upcoming weeks. Bare with me. I still adore you and often I am reading your posts; I just haven't had much time to comment.

My appointment at the doctor's on Thursday was interesting. I showed the doctor the whelps on my rear end, and he said I was developing an allergy to the oil in the Progesterone and Estradiol Valerate. He said he had another woman with a similar reaction, but she refused to tell him because she wanted to have a baby so badly and she feared he would take her off the needed medications. She ended up in the hospital because her throat closed in from an allergic reaction. Needless to say, he took me off both medications.

Apparently only 5-10% of patients develop this allergy. Go figure that I would be one of them. I have now been put on Estrace tablets twice a day orally and once a day vaginally in addition to a vaginal gel called Cronin twice daily. I'm not really sure if the intramuscular injections or this new regimen is worse. Doesn't matter- I'll do it in hopes of a baby. 

My doctor was pretty unkind to me Thursday evening when I had to page him because I couldn't find the Cronin after calls to three different pharmacies. My pharmacy ordered it, but it was not likely to be there until Friday morning or Monday. My doctor told me to continue calling pharmacies because I needed to take it that evening. He said I was bound to find it, even if I had to call multiple places. The doctor said he had prescribed it before, but that it was difficult to find because so few people needed it.  My awesome pharmacy must have heard the panic in my voice when I returned at 7:15 PM to tell them I needed the prescription note back because they called about fifteen places until they found a neighboring city that had it. Bless their hearts. I thanked them profusely and zoomed off to get the much-needed medication.

Babe was so ticked with my doctor he could hardly speak. He said that even if only 5-10% of our doctor's patients needed this medication, the doctor should know where it could be found. He wanted me to be sure and tell the doctor that if I got pregnant this month it wasn't because of him; it was in spite of him. Babe feels like 50% of my stress comes from the doctor and his staff. After he rattled off a list of times I had been upset with the clinic, I could hardly disagree with him. 

Anyway, I'm still praying Thaw and Hatch stay put, but my hope isn't as high as it was toward the beginning of this cycle. Guess we'll know Thursday of this week after the blood test. And no- I don't do the home pregnancy tests; I wait for the actual blood test results.

In other news, I have a new puppy cousin. My grandpa went and bought my aunt a new puppy after the incident with Riley occurred. The new puppy's name is Quincy; he is so darn adorable. As soon as I take some pictures, I promise to post them. Quincy came over for a play date this week, and he was welcomed by my two furbabies. I'm glad Quincy is a part of our family, but I know my aunt misses Riley dearly. She's still having a hard time with the guilt she feels for not taking good enough care of Riley- she says she doesn't deserve a new puppy. She also told me "the event" continues to play through her mind before she falls asleep every night. I think only time can heal her wounds and the horrible memories of the accident. 

Many of you told me I needed some rest, and you'll be glad to know I have taken it pretty easy this weekend. Yeah! Thanks for the advice.

Also, since I can no longer take Progesterone in Oil and Estradiol Valerate, I'd like to hold a contest to give away some extras I have for anyone that needs them. I have the following unopened medications to give away:

2- 50 mg/mL bottles of Progesterone in Oil
1- 20 mg/mL Estradiol Valerate
1- 10,000 Units of HCG 

I hope they can go to a good home and save someone some money. If you need any of these and would like to participate in the giveaway, please post a comment letting me know which medication(s) you need and then replying with an answer to the contest scenario:

Babe and I had some family portraits taken with the two of us. There are 175 pictures, and we ended up really liking more than forty of them. Our plan was to frame some of them and give them to parents and grandparents for Christmas. The problem is we feel like everyone may want a different pose... so we want a creative way to give family members the choice of pictures/poses. How do we present our individual family members with their options without having to print a zillion of every pose?  

Contest ends Friday, September 26 at 6:00 PM Central time, so make sure your entries are in by that time. You can comment as many times as you can think of ideas, and I'll pick as many winners as needed to get rid of all the medications. Make sure I have a way to get back with you, either via blog or email. 

I can't wait to hear your ideas! Even if you don't need any of the medications, you are more than welcome to participate too. I'll think of another prize for you if you win the contest. Thanks for all your help, friends!

"There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness." (Carl Jung)

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

FET, "Thaw" and "Hatch"

To begin, I'm sorry this post is choppy. I'm trying to give you all updates since you've been so kind and supportive, asking how everything went last week. I'm headed to bed early tonight so again, I apologize for the roughness of this post.

FET occurred last Thursday, September 11th. Two embryos were transferred- a 4BB and a 6BA. I have named them "Thaw" and "Hatch." One was literally described by the doctor as "hatching," hence the name "Hatch." The other- well, that one is self explanatory. Never named my embryos before, but it felt right to do so this time. 

Transfer went okay.  Doctor freaked about me driving myself and told me I should have called to ask him. I did; I called the nurse, and she said it was fine. Doctor forgot about the speculum after the transfer and almost left the room. I had to remind him he needed to remove it. Seriously. Not even joking.

Bed rest after transfer on Thursday.

Friday I worked my fingers to the bone. Later that night, I got a call that my aunt's new six-month old puppy, Riley, had been hit by a car (Her seventeen-year old dog died just before she got Riley). On the way over to Cindy's, my mom called to tell me that the puppy had jumped out the car window while she was driving in her neighborhood and hadn't survived. A neighbor who stopped to help my aunt called my grandma to tell her he was "very concerned" about "the lady" because she was hysterical. I was the first family member to arrive. Blood everywhere! She was literally covered in blood; it was one of the most horrific scenes I had ever seen. She was sitting on the curb, bawling, and holding Riley in a towel. The smell was awful. It was gruesome and sad. My heart ached for her. Apparently Riley jumped out her window while she was driving, and she hit him. Dogs are family members in our eyes. She lost a part of herself Friday nigh that she will never get back, and she blames herself for Riley's death.

Babe "took care of" Riley for us later that night, and I stayed with my aunt until about 2:00 in the morning. She is a smoker, and although she didn't smoke in the house while I was there, you could smell it rampantly in her tiny condo.

The longer I was there, the more stressed I became about the embryos and the shot I needed at 6:30 AM the morning. It was a bad, bad experience, but I wouldn't have left her alone for anything in the world. I don't regret my decision to stay, but I am concerned about the stress, the smoke smell, and my lack of rest so soon after the transfer.

Have been drinking a hot coffee-like beverage that my friend gave me supposedly containing no caffeine. I stressed the importance of no caffeine! Come to find out it has 79.8 milligrams of caffeine per serving. Dang it! Why was I stupid enough to not look the ingredient/nutritional information up until now?

Tired. Grumpy. Overworked. Concerned about the embryos and their survival. My stress is stressing. Ultimately, I know this is in God's hands and "whatever will be, will be,"  but this sure isn't looking good. I know the embryo(s) would attach despite all of this in a normal person's body, but I am not normal. Man, I could really use a break.

Doctor's appointment tomorrow AM to check my Estrogen and Progesterone levels in case adjustments need to be made to my meds. My rear end is very sore and "bumpy." Anyone else get large, red, raised areas from the Progesterone in Oil injections? I've never had them like this and am almost embarrassed to show my doctor. Maybe I can ask him about it in the morning.

More soon, I promise. And hopefully with better news.....

"Chaos is a friend of mine." (Bob Dylan)

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

The Sun will come out, Tomorrow

This weekend was awesome. I just adore my best friend who I call "My Peah." We went to eat Friday night at a little place outside the city with Babe, and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.

Once we returned home, Peah told me we needed to open my birthday gift. Even thought my birthday isn't until Sunday (the 14th), she was ready..... and do you know what she got for me?
You'll never guess.....

Uh huh. 30 gifts. All for me. Me and my upcoming 30th birthday.

Soap, a coffee mug, candied cashews, three shirts, soap, candles, candlesticks, panties, a picture frame, a water bottle, fruit roll ups, a notepad, and the list goes on.....

Saturday we slept in, went to a nice "girl" lunch together, and then I conned her in to helping me redecorate my office. I painted it a few weeks back, but nothing had been hung on the walls or reorganized besides the furniture. Since she's such a great decorator, what better way to spend the day? As soon as I put the finishing touches on it, I'll post pictures. I'm thrilled with the way it is turning out though! Thanks, My Peah.

Sunday we slept in again, went to a little deli for lunch and then came home to nap. We enjoyed just hanging out and being together. My Peah is the greatest. She's the bestest friend in the whole wide world. She's a supporter, an encourager, and most of all- a great listener. I mean, who else would have taken the 30 gifts idea and run with it? If this weekend is any prelude to 30, it's going to be a great year! Thanks, My Peah, for being you!

So, here's where I seek help. I am currently a Clicker for General Infertility (I--N) and can't find the time to keep up because of my work schedule right now. I need to email Mel and let her know I don't have the time to be a clicker anymore, but I was hoping to have a replacement so she doesn't have to find one. If you want to know more about it or are interested in filling my spot, email me. It only takes about fifteen to thirty minutes once every day or every few days, but I feel like I'm doing my category and assigned bloggers an injustice because of my lack of time at the moment.

My FET is tomorrow. Thanks Nity and Lost in Space for your warm emails this evening. What a great way to go into this thing, considering I'm not happy with Babe at the moment.... he can't drive me to the transfer. Bummer, I know. I need him there for support more than anything, but he has a doctor's appointment of his own that he scheduled for tomorrow; it would take him another four weeks to get back in to see this doc. It's a doctor he really needs to see, so I told him not to cancel. And considering we haven't told our family about any of our infertility treatments, I'm stuck going this one alone. I'm sure it will be fine. It's just nice to have a hand-holder, a warm smile, and a ride home without having to "think." I know you all will be there with me in spirit though, which truly does comfort me.

I leave you with a few more pictures from this weekend- I'm actually posting pictures of myself, a very scary thing for me. As I post, I'm humming you all a little diddy: "The sun will come out, tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be sun."

"It doesn't matter how many say it cannot be done or how many people have tried it before; it's important to realize whatever you're doing, it's your first attempt at it. (Wally Amos)

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Fun times at Ridgemont High

In a little over a week, I will officially celebrate my 30th birthday. Sigh. Thirty seems so old to me. Old. Older. Oldest. Yuck. I've actually been dreading it. Even thinking about it now makes me want to cry for some reason. 

Babe constantly reassures me that thirty is not old, but of course he says that: he's forty-two. He asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I told him that for my 30th birthday, the big 3-0, I felt like he should give me thirty presents- one for each day of this month. He laughed and told me I was crazy. (Thanks anyway for the idea, Nity). He's been so sweet these past few weeks, bringing home a few small gifts for me "just because." Thinking about that makes me smile. Thank goodness he loves me, even though I'm turning thirty. (wink)

My best friend, also affectionately known as "Peah,"  is flying into town this weekend to help celebrate the "birthday that shall not be named." Because my FET transfer is scheduled for Thursday the 11th, I wanted to take it easy next weekend, so I asked her to come early. I also want to drink and enjoy myself prior to my FET. We have some fun dinners planned this weekend, and I hope to take some pictures to post in the next week or so.  

With this exciting weekend, a busy work schedule next week and then the FET on Thursday, perhaps my birthday won't be so bad, especially if this cycle ends up bringing positive results. A girl can only hope, huh?

I've also taken up walking in the morning and at night. I have never been focused on exercise at all. I mean at all. I know exercise can only help me so I am doing a program with work to try and walk a certain number of steps per day. I wear a pedometer all day and have been purposefully walking at least three miles per day. And for someone who doesn't exercise, I'm pretty proud of myself. Don't burst my bubble and tell me you run ten miles a day or something. Let me have this moment to relish in my three-mile progress. (Giggle)

Babe and I have also decided on Domestic adoption instead of International adoption. With my crazy work schedule, I haven't had a chance to find the "right" agency yet, but I'm definitely still planning to pursue our new direction and have lots of paperwork to look through and process rationally. Thank you all for your love, support, and encouragement. You have been so wonderful, and I'm honored to be a part of your journeys as well.

I know I've been majorly slacking on commenting, and I apologize. I cannot tell you how busy work is right now, and I'm drowning with how much I have to do, much less try and have a personal life. I promise to be back soon and catch up, but please forgive me if I don't comment on all your posts.

I'll post more about my weekend (hopefully with pictures included) and details about my upcoming FET very soon. 

Until then, take care. 

For Babe: "An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her." (Agatha Christie)

Monday, August 25, 2008

He Loves Me...

Me- Just shy of 30 years old.
Babe- 42 years old and aging.

I can't live life without a child. Better yet, I cannot imagine never being a mother. And right now, I am childless- Without a child and without a guaranteed baby in our future.

Babe and I have made some huge decisions in the past few weeks. Decisions I never thought I would be forced to make or discuss in my lifetime, if nothing more than hypothetically.

My insurance coverage is phenomenal for infertility, leaving us to pay maybe 20% of all procedures and medications, a true blessing. For this alone, I cannot abandon ART/infertility treatments knowing God provided this amazing job and coverage for me when only two years ago I prayed God would provide a way for Babe and I to financially afford whatever infertility treatments the future held. So, here I sit with multiple failed cycles: Clomid, injections and IUIs, IVF, FET, and another FET in the works. Childless. Wondering if I will ever be a mother. I cannot quit my dream. I cannot quit my future. I cannot quit my opportunity. I cannot quit myself and my dreams. I cannot quit the doubt and the uncertainty that eats my flesh, punctures my hope, and stills my beating heart.

And while I realize I am fairly young, Babe is not. We originally decided we would stop trying to have kids when Babe was 42. But 42 is here for him, and I am not yet ready to quit trying. I realize men can have babies physically much older than women. However, I do not want Babe to be an "old" dad. Nor do I feel like it is fair for me to ask my husband to parent when he should/could be enjoying retirement. I am not ready to give up my dream of being a mother, either.

Since there are no guarantees with infertility, we have decided to pursue adoption while continuing our infertility treatments. I know many agencies have an age limit of 45 and most will cancel your adoption paperwork if you get pregnant during the adoption process, but I have to try. I have to find an agency that will work with us. I have to find someone that will help me fulfill my dream. I have to know that at the end of this road- somewhere- there is a child for us. It doesn't matter to Babe or I if our little one is biological or not. How can we not pursue both?

Adoption is essentially a guarantee, much more so, in my opinion, than Assisted Reproductive Technology.  As for my insurance, I surely can't forsake what God has given me. Not yet. 

And here is where my guilt comes in to play. I want to try this FET in September. If it doesn't work, I want to give Doctor B (the one that has better IVF statistics than Doctor A, my current RE) a shot at a fresh IVF cycle, but I feel guilty. Guilt at leaving the doctor I have been with for more than a year and a half. Guilt because I still have three frozen blastocycts. Guilt because I am pursuing adoption and fertility treatments to ensure we will have a child. Guilt for being selfish in my desires to build a family. Guilt for having insurance coverage that will allow me to do another fresh IVF cycle before using all my frozen blastocysts when others struggle to pay for Clomid. Through my guilt, I just know I have to give Doctor B a shot or I will always wonder...

Babe has been so supportive. I thought he would throw a fit about the money needed for adoption and the obvious debt we will be forced into if we choose to adopt. I thought he would think I was losing my mind. I thought he would stop loving me for not being able to pursue treatment after treatment with no end in sight. I thought he would leave me because I wasn't strong enough. I thought he would laugh at me.

But he hasn't. And he won't. He loves me. He loves me for me. He loves me even when my body doesn't work properly. He loves me, even after I discuss option after option after option with him. He loves me and he has never not loved me.

So, for those of you that can undergo three, four, and five plus IVF cycles, I salute you. You are strong, strong women. You have amazing determination and persistence. You are honorable and worthy of ten babies! For me, my last shot will probably be either this FET in September or a fresh cycle with Doctor B (whenever that may be). I just don't have "it" in me to continue, whatever "it" may be.

For those of you that have survived adoption, I'd like to know how you chose your agency. We are researching both Domestic and International adoption, but after looking at many of the wait times for International adoption, are leaning more toward Domestic, although we are not yet ruling out International adoption. Do you have a certain agency you would recommend that does Interstate or International adoptions? Or do you have an agency you would never use because of your own personal experience or a friend's horror stories? I'd love to hear from anyone on this topic!

I almost feel a sense of relief making some of these decisions and having these candid discussions with Babe. Not to say that our decisions can't change, but I always feel better having a plan. I'm amazed at the energy and motivation I have since we have decided to pursue adoption and find an agency that fits our needs. It is like a heavy weight has been lifted off me, minus the guilt. And through all this, Babe still loves me. He loves me and he has never not loved me.

"Before you begin a thing remind yourself that difficulties and delays quite impossible to foresee are ahead.... You can only see one thing clearly, and that is your goal. Form a mental vision of that and cling to it through thick and thin." (Kathleen Norris)

Sunday, August 10, 2008


Ah! I'm so sorry I haven't posted in what seems like forever. Work is literally kicking my rear right now! I have so many things I want to share, tons of catching up to do, and pictures to post; but all that will have to wait.

Sorry I haven't had a chance to comment; I am itching to see what is happening in the blog world.

Hopefully this "tag" will suffice as a post until I have more time. I was tagged by Nity.

Rules: Answer each question with one word and tag four others to play.

1. Where is your cell phone? purse
2. Your significant other? Babe
3. Your hair? blonder
4. Your mother? kind
5. Your father? unrealistic
6. Your favorite thing? Internet
7. Your dream last night? work
8. Your favorite drink? fruity
9. Your dream/goal? babies
10. The room you're in? office
11. Your hobby? blogging
12. Your fear? childless
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? happier
14. What you're not? mother
15. Muffins? cherry
16. One of your wish list items? none
17. Where you grew up? Oklahoma
18. The last thing you did? T.V.
19. What are you wearing? PJs
20. Favorite gadget? computer
21. Your pet? dogs
22. Your computer? Mac
23. Your mood? tired
24. Missing someone? Peah
25. Your car? black
26. Something you are not wearing? socks
27. Favorite store? Target
28. Like someone? Hubby
29. Your favorite color? yellow
30. When is the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? today
P.S. I cry all the time, so crying today was not necessarily a bad thing. I get teared up at sappy commercials. Crying is just a way for me to release all of my emotions (sadness, happiness, being overwhelmed, exhausted, etc). I had to add this comment because I didn't want anyone worrying about me. I'm great; just busy!

Toodles for now!

"Work is the best method devised for killing time." (William Feather)

Sunday, July 27, 2008


Thank you. Thank you for your prayers, your well-wishes, and your words of wisdom. I am escaping the darkness and the negativity and moving toward a lighter, more hopeful place. Because I reached out to ask for help and because of your prayers, I am feeling much better. God has lifted me out of the darkness.

I have so many random things to discuss.... I'm going to number my thoughts so if you'd like to comment about one of them, you can just type the number and tell me your thoughts. That way, if you don't want to comment on all of them or don't have time, we can still hear your imparted wisdom.

1) How and why did you choose to be an anonymous blogger or non-anonymous blogger? For example, I post as "Hope2morrow" instead of my real name. Why? Why not just use my real name? I have a real picture of Babe and I on my blog and intend to add more pictures. Are there ways you can be tracked back to your house if your email address is listed or you have pictures of you and your family on your blog? I love seeing others post pictures of themselves and their families, but I worry about safety and security. Should I be concerned with safety and security, especially if I add photos of my family? Anyone have any thoughts, comments, or answers about this?

2) When you start commenting on another person's blog, but they never return the comments, do you stop commenting? Do you give it a certain amount of time before you stop or do you just quit commenting?

3) I have to see the light. I'm ready to catapult myself out of the sinister darkness. I started swimming toward the light and have been doing lots of projects around the house. I'll wait until another post to tell you about all of the projects, but I've been a very busy girl. I also have renewed hope and determination to move forward. Thus, I am going to try not to dwell on the past. I am going to continue pursuing my heart's desires for a child until I feel like it is time to stop. I am going to try and not look back. Instead, I want to learn from those mistakes, keep my eye on the prize, and be optimistic about our great chances of conce
iving. This is not to say I will not falter or have bad days, but this is my pledge to do my best to stay positive in a crappy situation. I know I am going through this experience for many, many reasons that I may or may not ever know. So, I'll climb the rope until I can no longer climb. 

4) I was given The Pink Rose Award by my dear friend Just Me. Just Me is hilarious, random, fun-loving, and a bit ADD. She and I have an ongoing joke about wearing our Big Girl Underwear (even on days we don't feel like getting out of bed)- she wears SuperWoman and I wear WonderWoman. I hope you visit her site to get a glimpse of her creativity, but be warned about her potty mouth. 

I want to pass the Pink Rose Award along to some wonderful encouragers:

Angie Smith at Bring the Rain is one of the most amazing, Godly women I have ever met. Well, I haven't officially met her, but I know her through her blog and have been reading her blog for many, many months. In fact, her blog inspired me to begin my own. Angie is uplifting, encouraging, real, and her posts capture raw emotion. I am a huge fan of hers, even if it is somewhat anonymously. I sit on the edge of my chair, waiting daily for her to post something new for me to digest.

I also want to honor Nity at I Believe in Miracles with this award. Nity is another wonderful Christian woman who encourages others and finds strength in a loving and unfailing God. She picks you up when you are down, gives you strength when you are weak, and is full of life. I am thankful she is my blogging buddy and can't wait for her to have a child; she will be an amazing mother!

Additionally, Wishing 4 One also deserves the pink Rose Award. This chick has amazing stories about Egypt, posts beautiful pictures of her surroundings, and shares laughter through her blog. She has been through a great deal trying to conceive and yet she still charges on with wit, humor, and a zest for life. 

If you'd like to pass this award on, here's how you can do it:
1. On your blog, copy and paste the award, these rules, a link back to the person who selected you, and a link to this post: "Pink is my favorite color." You will find the story behind the Pink Rose Award and other graphics to choose from there.
2.Select as many reward recipients as you would like, link to their blogs (if they have one), and explain why you have chosen them.
3. Let them know you have selected them for an award by commenting on one of their posts.
4. If you are selected, pass it on by giving the Pink Rose Award to others.
5. If you find that someone you want to nominate has already been selected by someone else, you can still honor them by posting a comment on their award post stating your reasons for wishing to grant them the award.
6. You do not have to wait until someone nominates you to nominate someone else.

5) And last but not least, I hope to have some great pictures and posts for you in the near future. Thank you again for your prayers and encouragement. I am honored to have my blogging buddies and thank God for each and every one of you.

"No matter what happens, keep on beginning and failing. Each time you fail, start all over again, and you will grow stronger until you find that you have accomplished a purpose - not the one you began with perhaps, but one you will be glad to remember." (Anne Sullivan)

Saturday, July 12, 2008


I am in a black tunnel. No light. None. A never-ending journey. No end in sight. It's a place I call the "shit hole of misery." This place is like a water well with a lid. You swim and you swim, but you are never closer to surfacing.

I'm not sure why I seem to be drowning right now, but I am. I just am. 

With infertility, there is no "light at the end of the tunnel." There is no end in sight. There is no 100% guarantee of getting what you want. Thus, there is no end to your emotional turmoil.

I have shut the world out. I have closed off my friends. I have limited my emails and phone conversations for fear of revealing too much of my imperfect self. It is not a place many people want to discuss, and it is a place few know how to pull someone out of and brave.  I think I am the only one who can help me. 

Of course, in the midst of my misery, my period and cramps have decided to creep in slowly and miserably. On Friday my cramps were a 9.5 on a 10-point pain scale! I wasn't sure I was going to survive, and I had taken all the pain medication I could take. Babe was worried and began questioning how my endometriosis was ever going to get better. It's not. I am worried it is getting worse by the month, and that scares me. I can take my medication, but I am down for three and four days at a time during my period and the medication does little more than dull the pain.

I have tried leaving God out, and I have tried just the opposite- letting Him in. I do know two thoughts have come to mind frequently the past few days, which I dare share with you. These thoughts have to be of God because they have come to me several times, and they are not something I would think of on my own~

"I want you to be happy." 

I know God wants me to be happy, but my prayers are yet to be fulfilled. I know there is a reason why I do not yet have a child, but that is extremely difficult to accept. If He wants me to be happy, why is my struggle so constant? The pain rages through my bones, from head to toe, like an unrelenting throb that never ceases.

"Ask for prayers."

Ask for prayers? As in ask for help? Let people know I am struggling? 


Let me explain that I did not grow up in a family that prays or attends church. Religion was not a part of my upbringing or early life. It was not until I attended a Christian college, where I felt drawn to an amazing God and found amazing Christian friends.  I know God loves me, but His love and acceptance is completely overwhelming. It is not something I can truly understand. I feel unworthy of anyone's love most days, so assuming God loves me unconditionally is foreign.

Anyway, back to my point.... God has told me to ask for prayers. So, here I sit, bawling my eyes out, and coming to you meekly and humbly to ask for prayers. For those of you that like specifics, here they are:
-Please pray for me to find my way of out of this nasty hole I am in and find some motivation.
-Please pray for God to allow me to find some inner peace with being infertile. Ask that He show me I am not being punished but am enduring this because I need to be broken.
-Please pray that I seek His will and not my own.
-Please pray for peace of mind and help in making tough decisions on this journey, even if they are the ones I fear.

Thank you for allowing me to bear my soul, as nasty as it may be right now. Thank you for not judging me. Thank you for supporting me.

Through your prayers, I hope to see the light soon...

"The light at the end of the tunnel is not an illusion. The tunnel is." (Author Unknown)

Monday, June 30, 2008


I came home from work last Thursday, and Babe said to me, "I read your blog today."

(Gasp!) What did you think? (He hasn't read it since my first post)

"I think you sound like you are doing fine on paper."

So you don't think I'm doing well in real life?

"It just sounds like on paper you can sort out what is realistic and logical and what isn't, but in real life, you're having a hard time with that. I'm also surprised you didn't bash me on your blog since you always seem to be so angry. It seems I can't say or do anything right. I don't know how to fix this."

I love you, Babe. I know I'm having a really hard time with this. I'm sorry. I don't know how to compartmentalize all these irrational and negative feelings that I have.

"You know I love you, right?"


"You know I'll love you whether we have a baby or not, right?"

I hope so.

"I do love you. This infertility does not define you. I love you. Why can't you understand that?"

(through massive tears) I'm not me. I don't love myself right now.

"But there is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for." (Paulo Coelho)

Wednesday, June 25, 2008


I returned from my Vegas vacation Saturday evening after a very, very long drive and was exhausted. I felt grumpy, agitated, irritated, and questioning why I went because I felt completely drained.

I assumed it was my exhaustion.

Sunday morning and afternoon I spent most of the day catching up on work email since I knew this week was going to be long, and I had been vacationing the previous week. Sunday evening I went to a co-worker's house for dinner with several other colleagues that were in town from out of state. I felt grumpy, agitated, irritated, questioning why I went (I had to go), and needing some time alone.

I assumed it was my exhaustion.

Monday I started my day at 4:30 AM and didn't finish work obligations until 11:30 PM when I dropped my boss off at her hotel. I got into an argument with Babe once I returned home and had nightmares: I was shot in a drive-by with a gun aimed directly at me, my doctor told me I was never going to get pregnant, my unwed best friend told me she is pregnant, and I locked myself in my bedroom for days (even though I was already dead) and was content with not talking to anyone. Thank goodness (I guess) this was all a dream. I felt grumpy, agitated, irritated, questioning why I went (I had to go), needing some time alone, and sad because I had a bad feeling about this cycle.

I assumed it was my exhaustion.

Tuesday I started my day at 5:30 AM. I went to my doctor at 7:30 AM, only to discover that the ultrasound didn't look so great, he was worried I had already ovulated, and this cycle was going to be cancelled. Received a call at 12:30 PM from the doctor saying I had ovulated, my progesterone was high (because I ovulated), this cycle had to be cancelled (no frozen transfer), and I couldn't try again with another cycle until September (3 days before my thirtieth birthday) because of the clinic's frozen transfer schedule. I spent my afternoon trying to hold back tears, had to go to dinner with out-of-state co-workers, and didn't get home until 7:30 PM. I felt grumpy, agitated, irritated, questioning why I went (I had to go), needing some time alone, sad because I had a bad feeling about this cycle and knew I never should have hoped in the first place, and questioning My God and why He would allow me to be so miserable if He really loved me.

I know it is me and not my exhaustion.

So here I sit this Wednesday evening ...
  • Where do I go from here? Who the hell knows?
  • Why do I ever have hope that things are going to eventually work out? I don't.
  • Why have I lost my faith in God- that He will answer my dreams of becoming a mother? Surely my gracious and loving God would not make me suffer this much if He truly existed.
  • Why have I stopped praying? Because I no longer hope? Yep, probably so. Hope is dead.
  • Who am I and who have I become? Definitely not someone I am proud of right now. I'm not sure who I am, but I know I don't like "her."
  • How do I get the "old me" back? She's dead. She won't ever be back, even if I do become a mother?
  • Why can't my husband understand how I feel and at least try to empathize? I guess he's too busy trying to avoid me because I'm cranky and cry or get irritated easily.
  • Why can't I love myself? I'm no longer worthy of love.
  • Why can't I get enough energy up to be happy for others when they get a positive pregnancy test? I'm too sad for myself.
  • Why should my marriage suffer because I want a child? It shouldn't, but it does. I haven't learned to get past my own disappointment and my husband is fearful of how long this journey could continue.
  • When is enough enough? In my eyes, not until I have a baby in my arms.
  • Why can't I just let it all go? I can't. I just can't.
  • Why am I in so much emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental anguish? Because I deserve it.
  • Is it the end of the world? Nope, but I have to keep on going. Every day. Smile on my face. It's not the end of the world, but I want to be swallowed by it.

I know it is me and not my exhaustion.

"A man can be destroyed but not defeated." (Ernest Hemingway)

Saturday, June 14, 2008


I'm sorry it has been a while since I posted, and I appreciate some of you checking in on me. I actually went to the beach with some college friends and assumed I would be able to post, but I didn't have Internet access. I missed blogging and realized what an outlet it has become to post as well as read about others' adventures. I am leaving town again tomorrow for a week so I wanted to post an update before I left. . .

Before my trip to the beach, I realized I had not had a period in about forty-five days. I had taken a pregnancy test (negative results) because I was undergoing some x-rays. I called my doctor, and he assumed I hadn't ovulated but asked me to come in for a mucus test (doesn't that just sound disgusting?) and ultrasound. The results showed us that I had not ovulated; he put me on Provera for seven days to start my period.

While on my fabulous beach trip, I spent time with three friends, two of which have children. As much as it killed me to hear stories about their children's adventures, I also know this is their reality. They spend most days home with their young ones and had great stories to tell. Often when they spoke of their kids, I could feel myself withdrawing and being quiet. What was I supposed to say? They have every right to talk about their children.

I broke down once at dinner and was mortified. I don't want attention. I don't want people feeling sorry for me. I don't want anyone to pity me. But at the same time, I want people to think before they speak.

One day as we took a beach stroll, I ventured to my quiet place as they spoke of their kids again, and I began noticing the beautiful shells on the beach. For some reason, I was drawn to the sand dollars. There were sand dollars of all shapes and sizes- some big, some small, some perfect and whole, and others broken and cracked. These sand dollars were like my friends and me: The perfect and whole and complete ones represented my friends with children. The cracked and broken ones represented me, the infertile one. But there was even more to this comparison than not having children. The sand dollars that were broken or cracked had character, they lacked something, and they were incomplete. I so desired for them to be complete every time I picked one up on the beach. I felt they deserved to be whole. I felt they had been through tough times. I felt they were just like my life without children: broken.

Upon returning home, I started my period and headed back to the doctor for my baseline ultrasound since I'll be undergoing a frozen transfer cycle in July. My doctor saw me on cycle day 1 because I was going to be out of town when he wanted to see me. As he viewed the ultrasound, he told me he wanted my follicles to all be less than ten. He began rattling off numbers to the nurse- the thickness of my lining, the size of my ovaries, the size of my follicles, etc. Two follicles were slightly larger than ten. He explained that I had the possibility of this cycle being cancelled- something to do with too much progesterone and possibly needing Lupron to shut my body down next time if this doesn't end up working out in July. He also mentioned that it was early in my cycle and things could change, which is why he doesn't like to see patients on cycle day 1. I begin my estradiol injections when my period is nearly finished, call him, and then will return for another ultrasound and blood work when I get back in town that will give us more information on whether we will proceed with the next cycle or not.

My doctor's comments flew above my head and his words swirled around me. My brain could only visualize those sand dollars, that walk on the beach, and my reality of broken.

"I guess when your heart gets broken you sort of start to see cracks in everything. I'm convinced that tragedy wants to harden us and our mission is never to let it." (Anonymous)