Wednesday, June 25, 2008

WHO AM I?

I returned from my Vegas vacation Saturday evening after a very, very long drive and was exhausted. I felt grumpy, agitated, irritated, and questioning why I went because I felt completely drained.

I assumed it was my exhaustion.

Sunday morning and afternoon I spent most of the day catching up on work email since I knew this week was going to be long, and I had been vacationing the previous week. Sunday evening I went to a co-worker's house for dinner with several other colleagues that were in town from out of state. I felt grumpy, agitated, irritated, questioning why I went (I had to go), and needing some time alone.

I assumed it was my exhaustion.

Monday I started my day at 4:30 AM and didn't finish work obligations until 11:30 PM when I dropped my boss off at her hotel. I got into an argument with Babe once I returned home and had nightmares: I was shot in a drive-by with a gun aimed directly at me, my doctor told me I was never going to get pregnant, my unwed best friend told me she is pregnant, and I locked myself in my bedroom for days (even though I was already dead) and was content with not talking to anyone. Thank goodness (I guess) this was all a dream. I felt grumpy, agitated, irritated, questioning why I went (I had to go), needing some time alone, and sad because I had a bad feeling about this cycle.

I assumed it was my exhaustion.

Tuesday I started my day at 5:30 AM. I went to my doctor at 7:30 AM, only to discover that the ultrasound didn't look so great, he was worried I had already ovulated, and this cycle was going to be cancelled. Received a call at 12:30 PM from the doctor saying I had ovulated, my progesterone was high (because I ovulated), this cycle had to be cancelled (no frozen transfer), and I couldn't try again with another cycle until September (3 days before my thirtieth birthday) because of the clinic's frozen transfer schedule. I spent my afternoon trying to hold back tears, had to go to dinner with out-of-state co-workers, and didn't get home until 7:30 PM. I felt grumpy, agitated, irritated, questioning why I went (I had to go), needing some time alone, sad because I had a bad feeling about this cycle and knew I never should have hoped in the first place, and questioning My God and why He would allow me to be so miserable if He really loved me.

I know it is me and not my exhaustion.

So here I sit this Wednesday evening ...
  • Where do I go from here? Who the hell knows?
  • Why do I ever have hope that things are going to eventually work out? I don't.
  • Why have I lost my faith in God- that He will answer my dreams of becoming a mother? Surely my gracious and loving God would not make me suffer this much if He truly existed.
  • Why have I stopped praying? Because I no longer hope? Yep, probably so. Hope is dead.
  • Who am I and who have I become? Definitely not someone I am proud of right now. I'm not sure who I am, but I know I don't like "her."
  • How do I get the "old me" back? She's dead. She won't ever be back, even if I do become a mother?
  • Why can't my husband understand how I feel and at least try to empathize? I guess he's too busy trying to avoid me because I'm cranky and cry or get irritated easily.
  • Why can't I love myself? I'm no longer worthy of love.
  • Why can't I get enough energy up to be happy for others when they get a positive pregnancy test? I'm too sad for myself.
  • Why should my marriage suffer because I want a child? It shouldn't, but it does. I haven't learned to get past my own disappointment and my husband is fearful of how long this journey could continue.
  • When is enough enough? In my eyes, not until I have a baby in my arms.
  • Why can't I just let it all go? I can't. I just can't.
  • Why am I in so much emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental anguish? Because I deserve it.
  • Is it the end of the world? Nope, but I have to keep on going. Every day. Smile on my face. It's not the end of the world, but I want to be swallowed by it.

I know it is me and not my exhaustion.

"A man can be destroyed but not defeated." (Ernest Hemingway)

14 comments:

alison said...

I'm sorry that things seem so crappy lately. I can certainly understand the exhaustion - don't sell yourself short, sounds like you were BUSY! Any night that I can't come home and piddle around the house at my leisure, I feel exhausted when it ends.

God is a patient God, and He allows you to be angry with Him, He loves you just the same. I hope time flies for you and September comes quickly! *hugs*

Duck said...

Sorry to heaer that you're having such a hard time. Cycling and not cycling and waiting and wanting to have a child is hard. I understand not feeling like yourself anymore, it's all this trying to have a baby, it makes us unrecognizable.

Lost in Space said...

I'm so sorry about your cancelled cycle. Months passing by in IF time seem like years.

You most definitely do not deserve any of this anguish. Bad things happen to good people and I am sorry you are one of them. I like to think we will come out on the other side as better (not bitter) people, but right now it is so hard to see that.

I'm sending you tons of big hugs tonight.

Mel said...

Aw, I am so sad to read this. You sound like you are at the bottom of the pit right now and I know exactly what that feels like.
We went to church one Sunday a few months ago and the pastor was talking about how Joseph's brothers threw him in a pit and instead of Joseph getting bitter and saying "God, why me?!" he gathered up his courage and faith and said "God, what now?"
I know it seems like you will never get out of this place and that God has turned his back on you right now, but you couldn't be further from the truth.
God is working every day in your life to mold you and shape you in to the woman he wants you to become. He is using infertility to teach you something, and I know it sucks, but in time you will learn what he is trying to show you.
I cannot say that I myself yet understand what God has been doing in my life, but I have to have faith to trust he will reveal it to me someday.
I will pray for you, my friend. Don't give up.

*hugs*

gracechild said...

*hug* to you. I've been where you are & it's not a fun place to be in. I'll be praying for you that God will give you a vivid confirmation of His love in the days ahead. You are not alone.

dmarie said...

I'm so sorry about this cycle. Reading your words is like hearing my own thoughts.

Me said...

Awww, *hug*
I've been there many times and it sucks.

Still Standing Strong in A Bloom of Hope. said...

Oh no dearie! I'm so so sorry that you're feeling so shitty! I have felt that way, and have been feeling very angry too for the past week. And slowly I became so exhausted with my own feelings. I'm here, listening to you, so don't give up, until you know that this is it. hugs!

s.e. said...

I too know well the feelings of anguish when you have hope and no where to put it. I have decided cancelled cycles give the worst emotions.

I appreciate that you share your self-talk and raw realities that go on in your head. You are no different than others...just brave enough to share. You are worthy and deserve so much more.

Wishing 4 One said...

Ah girl...I have an email in my drafts folder will get it to u soon. xoxoxoxoxo

The Baby Box said...

I am sorry that you are in such a low place right now. The exhaustion, anger and pessimism is familiar to me -- and so many others struggling with these same issues.

Sometimes I just have to take the time to wallow before I can really pick myself up and move on. I hope that toward the end of this week you have found some time to wallow if that helps you as well.

Alex & Jill said...

I'm sorry I'm just responding to this post, I just got my computer working again.

This post makes me sad...we've all been there though and can totally relate. Take all the time you need to feel what you're feeling...that's what helps me work through it. God wants to hear it all, the anger, sadness, hurt...He wants you to bring it all to Him. He can handle it.

Know that I'm praying for you, girl!

*HUGS*

The Rebound Girl said...

That sucks, but there is always a possibility of getting pregnant on your own. God works miracles and you know that so hold on and don't give up. He is just waiting to bless us and once he does it will be more splendid than our wildest dreams!

T. said...

It is so hard, and I don't think it gets easier, unfortunately.
I hope you have loving people around you who understand that this isn't you, it is your situation. Trinka