WHO AM I?

I returned from my Vegas vacation Saturday evening after a very, very long drive and was exhausted. I felt grumpy, agitated, irritated, and questioning why I went because I felt completely drained.

I assumed it was my exhaustion.

Sunday morning and afternoon I spent most of the day catching up on work email since I knew this week was going to be long, and I had been vacationing the previous week. Sunday evening I went to a co-worker's house for dinner with several other colleagues that were in town from out of state. I felt grumpy, agitated, irritated, questioning why I went (I had to go), and needing some time alone.

I assumed it was my exhaustion.

Monday I started my day at 4:30 AM and didn't finish work obligations until 11:30 PM when I dropped my boss off at her hotel. I got into an argument with Babe once I returned home and had nightmares: I was shot in a drive-by with a gun aimed directly at me, my doctor told me I was never going to get pregnant, my unwed best friend told me she is pregnant, and I locked myself in my bedroom for days (even though I was already dead) and was content with not talking to anyone. Thank goodness (I guess) this was all a dream. I felt grumpy, agitated, irritated, questioning why I went (I had to go), needing some time alone, and sad because I had a bad feeling about this cycle.

I assumed it was my exhaustion.

Tuesday I started my day at 5:30 AM. I went to my doctor at 7:30 AM, only to discover that the ultrasound didn't look so great, he was worried I had already ovulated, and this cycle was going to be cancelled. Received a call at 12:30 PM from the doctor saying I had ovulated, my progesterone was high (because I ovulated), this cycle had to be cancelled (no frozen transfer), and I couldn't try again with another cycle until September (3 days before my thirtieth birthday) because of the clinic's frozen transfer schedule. I spent my afternoon trying to hold back tears, had to go to dinner with out-of-state co-workers, and didn't get home until 7:30 PM. I felt grumpy, agitated, irritated, questioning why I went (I had to go), needing some time alone, sad because I had a bad feeling about this cycle and knew I never should have hoped in the first place, and questioning My God and why He would allow me to be so miserable if He really loved me.

I know it is me and not my exhaustion.

So here I sit this Wednesday evening ...

• Where do I go from here? Who the hell knows?
• Why do I ever have hope that things are going to eventually work out? I don't.
• Why have I lost my faith in God- that He will answer my dreams of becoming a mother? Surely my gracious and loving God would not make me suffer this much if He truly existed.
• Why have I stopped praying? Because I no longer hope? Yep, probably so. Hope is dead.
• Who am I and who have I become? Definitely not someone I am proud of right now. I'm not sure who I am, but I know I don't like "her."
• How do I get the "old me" back? She's dead. She won't ever be back, even if I do become a mother?
• Why can't my husband understand how I feel and at least try to empathize? I guess he's too busy trying to avoid me because I'm cranky and cry or get irritated easily.
• Why can't I love myself? I'm no longer worthy of love.
• Why can't I get enough energy up to be happy for others when they get a positive pregnancy test? I'm too sad for myself.
• Why should my marriage suffer because I want a child? It shouldn't, but it does. I haven't learned to get past my own disappointment and my husband is fearful of how long this journey could continue.
• When is enough enough? In my eyes, not until I have a baby in my arms.
• Why can't I just let it all go? I can't. I just can't.
• Why am I in so much emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental anguish? Because I deserve it.
• Is it the end of the world? Nope, but I have to keep on going. Every day. Smile on my face. It's not the end of the world, but I want to be swallowed by it.

I know it is me and not my exhaustion.

"A man can be destroyed but not defeated." (Ernest Hemingway)