Monday, June 30, 2008

LOVE ME?

I came home from work last Thursday, and Babe said to me, "I read your blog today."

(Gasp!) What did you think? (He hasn't read it since my first post)

"I think you sound like you are doing fine on paper."

So you don't think I'm doing well in real life?

"It just sounds like on paper you can sort out what is realistic and logical and what isn't, but in real life, you're having a hard time with that. I'm also surprised you didn't bash me on your blog since you always seem to be so angry. It seems I can't say or do anything right. I don't know how to fix this."

I love you, Babe. I know I'm having a really hard time with this. I'm sorry. I don't know how to compartmentalize all these irrational and negative feelings that I have.

"You know I love you, right?"

Yeah.

"You know I'll love you whether we have a baby or not, right?"

I hope so.

"I do love you. This infertility does not define you. I love you. Why can't you understand that?"

(through massive tears) I'm not me. I don't love myself right now.


"But there is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for." (Paulo Coelho)

30 comments:

alison said...

Sounds like Babe is a gem! I'm praying for you. I so wish I could pull you with me over the IF fence. I don't have any advice for getting through the muck, but know that it won't last forever. Great big hugs.

I Believe in Miracles said...

It is so hard to imagine that someone can love you when you don't love yourself. I've been there with the big crocodile tears. It sucks. HOWEVER, it does sound like you caught yourself a really good man!!! Make sure you let yourself believe him that he will love you...because you are worth it!

2weeks2much said...

This is so hard isn't it? I never thought I'd be in this position, but I'm so thankful for all of the support from everyone...thanks for stopping by my blog.

gracechild said...

:) the best part of infertility (what an anomaly to even say that) is discovering that we're married to & loved by really good men and the strengthen of the marital bonds that comes with it. Your DH sounds like a sweetie & I can totally relate to him feeling helpless & not knowing what to do for you. I'm glad you guys are communing though; that's so important

Lost in Space said...

You definitely have a good one there!! I know it is so hard to believe they can love us when we don't even like ourselves, but they do. For better or worse....

I wish I didn't have to find out how wonderful my DH really is through this journey of IF, but it is one of the gifts I am taking away from it.

((Hugs))

Alex & Jill said...

I wish I could just give you a big hug right now.

Just Me. said...

i teared at this post!! oh sweetie, your babe sounds just like mine. I wish i could take away the pain you're feeling now. i'm gonna give you a cyber hug.

ps it's still me, with the Superwoman big girl panties! :)

Mel said...

I think I may have had this same conversation so many times in the past year, it's unreal.
It's so painful what this infertility thing does to us as people, isn't it? I have no idea how people can get through this without God and faith in his perfect plan.
Hold that Babe tight and remember that having him and nothing else is priceless still.
*hugs*

Happy Not-So-Newlywed said...

Mr. E and I had a similar discussion a while back. I remember feeling so surprised when he said he would love me with or without kids. I mean, I know I married a wonderful man but there was something so raw, so real about him saying that.

To be truthful it almost made me feel worse. Like he can love me without kids, but can I love me without kids?

Of course the answer is YES, but hopefully neither one of us will actually be faced with that question. I'll be praying for you.

I Believe in Miracles said...

Thanks for the comments and suggestions! Feel free to "creatively borrow" the list... and if you think of anything good... feel free to let me know!

Alison said...

I am crying now! Babe is fantastic and all this IF is not fair. I feel your pain and I desperately wish I could wave a magic wand to make it all better.

dmarie said...

Your convo is so familiar to me. It sucks feeling lost all the time.

Wishing 4 One said...

Like alot of the others above, I too have had that almost exact conversation. We are so lucky to have such good husbands. You know besides my blog, my husband is the only one I share my IF with. He is my rock, no doubt.

But i so know how you feel, even though we get that reassurance from them, it is not as easy to give it to ourselves. Sending you loads of hugs girl! xoxoxoxo

BB and MTB said...

I hope you feel like you again very soon, and I hope you feel better. Good luck with everything that comes next.

The Baker's said...

Oh,honey sounds like Babe is a good guy. I am praying that you will get your good news soon. HUgs.

Cathleen said...

Sounds like you've got a keeper!

This infertility journey is HARD. I'm sorry that your in such a yucky place right now. I just read that your FET got postponed. I sure that doesn't help at all! Hope you start to feel more like yourself soon.

courtney said...

I haven't even told my dh that I've started a blog. Kudos to you for being able to share that with him. I don't know where, but God is in this. I'm going to be praying for you. And I love that your dh is right on in saying hta the loves you and being infertile doesn't define you.

The Rebound Girl said...

Your husband is very supportive. I know hearing the words its okay and I love you whether or not we have a baby are probably the best things he can say, but also the worse, because we don't really believe that, WE feel like they are just saying that. And that's okay.

But he is reaching out and trying hard, so please try to reach back and let him know you are still with him on this. Because ultimately our husbands are the ones who will be there and have been there and most times they don't deserve to be on the receiving end of our anger.

Big Hug to you.

whataboutmyeggs said...

It sounds like you have a real keeper there. Someone to stand by your side through this journey is probably the only thing that get us IFs through all of this. But please know that despite your feelings about yourself right now, there are many many people that love you, including us IF bloggers. PS, some of the best sand dollars I've found have been broken. They are the ones that value the pieces that they still have.

Sam said...

I cannot even begin to know what infertility does to you as I am not trying for children (need a hubby for that and he is non-existent!!), but it is clear to me that your hubby loves you and is there for you and I can only hope that I find someone as good.

P.S. I found the chocolate because there was a shop in the town where my youngest brother was at university and now there is a shop in a town about half an hour away!!

PJ said...

Hi!

Just read your history, and the last post. You've really been through a lot. All of those chemical pregnancy's, I just can't imagine the emotional ups and downs. The whole thing, infertility and the treatments, is such emotional crap.

I think the blog is a good way for me to sort things out in my own head. Especially when I'm in the midst of treatment and things are happening quickly (Am forgetting how that feels! Am actually missing the RE's office at this point!) Anyway...

Thanks for stopping by my blog!

Good luck on your journey.

DC said...

I'm sending lots and lots of hugs (and 4th of July alcoholic beverages) your way. IF is so hard on relationships. I hope you're doing OK. *hugs*

T. said...

Wow! I wonder what my husband would say if he read my blog. He knows it exists, but has never (as far as I know) read it. I'm glad your husband reacted so positively! -Trinka

Rachie Pachie said...

What a powerful discussion. It's such a blessing to feel the support from the husband... even though we do seem so much better "on paper". Glad to hear he's supportive & proactive with the support.

Thanks for all the encouragement! I've been in a rut lately, too... there's just so much to figure out.

Just Me. said...

Hey sweetie. You doing ok?

Thinking of you and missin' ya!

*hugs*

I Believe in Miracles said...

Hi. I sent you present list via email... just in case hubby reads the blog. If you don't get it, just let me know and I can resend. :o)

s.e. said...

I am glad my hope can be at least a little contagious. I have been in your deep, nasty hole and know how awful it can be to try to get out of it. You are not alone. I have a shoulder to lean on as much as you want. Take care.

Jill said...

I'm glad that you have such an incredible husband. IF isn't easy and no one can possibly understand it if they haven't lived it. I feel the hurt and pain in your words. I hope that time helps heal the pain and brings you peace. Good luck as you proceed down your journey. Big hugs.

GP said...

i am tearing up as i read this cause it sounds like a page out of my book of life.. i have been so miserable lately that i have been distant to my DH.. i think my DH just may understand "the new me" if he did read some of my blog... hugs to your and as i mentioned in a post - the ONLY good thing that has come from IF is the strength and bond that our marriage has grown... i hope that you find your light very soon..((HUGS)) (ICLW)

Anonymous said...

I've been dating my girl for 5 years and we have just broke up because she told me she likes someone else but she say she still loves me... the next week she left the house and said she needs to find herself??? and i wanted her to be with me by living were i live, forget about her ex's, having a good job and being in a healthy relationship which leads to marriage and kids. but she was planning to leave me since and when i knew about her plan i gave her space maybe she will come back?? but if she didn't then i had to find help, a spell caster to help me bring her back so i did contacted i was giving this usa number +15036626930 and this email address dr.marnish@yahoo.com after 3 days of casting his spell my girlfriend returned back to crying to me that she will never make a step without me again, that she will always love me till death. i am still surprised how dr.marnish did the love spell
Tremeeka from France