Saturday, July 12, 2008


I am in a black tunnel. No light. None. A never-ending journey. No end in sight. It's a place I call the "shit hole of misery." This place is like a water well with a lid. You swim and you swim, but you are never closer to surfacing.

I'm not sure why I seem to be drowning right now, but I am. I just am. 

With infertility, there is no "light at the end of the tunnel." There is no end in sight. There is no 100% guarantee of getting what you want. Thus, there is no end to your emotional turmoil.

I have shut the world out. I have closed off my friends. I have limited my emails and phone conversations for fear of revealing too much of my imperfect self. It is not a place many people want to discuss, and it is a place few know how to pull someone out of and brave.  I think I am the only one who can help me. 

Of course, in the midst of my misery, my period and cramps have decided to creep in slowly and miserably. On Friday my cramps were a 9.5 on a 10-point pain scale! I wasn't sure I was going to survive, and I had taken all the pain medication I could take. Babe was worried and began questioning how my endometriosis was ever going to get better. It's not. I am worried it is getting worse by the month, and that scares me. I can take my medication, but I am down for three and four days at a time during my period and the medication does little more than dull the pain.

I have tried leaving God out, and I have tried just the opposite- letting Him in. I do know two thoughts have come to mind frequently the past few days, which I dare share with you. These thoughts have to be of God because they have come to me several times, and they are not something I would think of on my own~

"I want you to be happy." 

I know God wants me to be happy, but my prayers are yet to be fulfilled. I know there is a reason why I do not yet have a child, but that is extremely difficult to accept. If He wants me to be happy, why is my struggle so constant? The pain rages through my bones, from head to toe, like an unrelenting throb that never ceases.

"Ask for prayers."

Ask for prayers? As in ask for help? Let people know I am struggling? 


Let me explain that I did not grow up in a family that prays or attends church. Religion was not a part of my upbringing or early life. It was not until I attended a Christian college, where I felt drawn to an amazing God and found amazing Christian friends.  I know God loves me, but His love and acceptance is completely overwhelming. It is not something I can truly understand. I feel unworthy of anyone's love most days, so assuming God loves me unconditionally is foreign.

Anyway, back to my point.... God has told me to ask for prayers. So, here I sit, bawling my eyes out, and coming to you meekly and humbly to ask for prayers. For those of you that like specifics, here they are:
-Please pray for me to find my way of out of this nasty hole I am in and find some motivation.
-Please pray for God to allow me to find some inner peace with being infertile. Ask that He show me I am not being punished but am enduring this because I need to be broken.
-Please pray that I seek His will and not my own.
-Please pray for peace of mind and help in making tough decisions on this journey, even if they are the ones I fear.

Thank you for allowing me to bear my soul, as nasty as it may be right now. Thank you for not judging me. Thank you for supporting me.

Through your prayers, I hope to see the light soon...

"The light at the end of the tunnel is not an illusion. The tunnel is." (Author Unknown)


Kymberli said...

Please know that I am listening. I have prayed for you and I will continue to do so. In whichever way is His, I pray that He will bring you peace.

Lost in Space said...

I have been thinking about the "light at the end of the tunnel" alot lately. IF just keeps going. From hope to grief month after month and never knowing when/if it will end.

We are here for you and love you no matter how "imperfect" you think you are. There is no need to hide anything here.

I will continue to keep you in my prayers for healing, strength, and peace. Many hugs coming your way.

Just Me. said...

I am brushing away tears as I type this. I feel your profound pain cuz it mirrors how I feel every freakin' day! Like you, I've cut off ties with my friends and some of my family members cuz the questions have become unbearable and to the point that I have these evil thoughts to snap at them. Who have I become? I know it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I keep telling myself that there will be a resolution, someday, somehow. I am listening to your stories. In fact, I click on your blog everyday, just to see how you go. I will NEVER judge you. I am here for you 100% ALL THE WAY!

I know I am rambling. I am here for you, with Superwoman panties and all!


vamplita said...

Praying you find your way back to serenity soon.

Be well.

BB and MTB said...

I am sorry that things feel so overwhleming, and you are certainly strong to ask for prayers. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you find some peace soon.

s.e. said...

What an honest and raw post. I am sorry you have to be in this place. Know that you have already taken a turn to getting out. It is o.k. to cut people out of your life for a while. It is how we cope. But you did reach out- to a huge group of people that do always try to understand. I do believe someday soon we will be clicking on your blog to see happiness again.

I have never practivied prayer but your words make me want to start. I will be thinking about you.

Heather said...

I have prayed. I will continue to do so.

Cathleen said...

I am so sorry that you are in a deep, dark, nasty place right now. You will be in my prayers.

I'm sure the raging, stabbing pain doesn't help either.


gracechild said...

Oh sweetie I feel like hugging you. I am dedicating monday (tomorrow) especially to prayers & you will be on my list.

Alison said...

Your post hit me like a ton of bricks. I am so sorry this is happening. I am so thankful for your soul bearing, it makes this world I live in seem a little less disconnected. I will be praying for you.

dmarie said...

I don't pray much anymore. But here I sit compelled to pray for you. Perhaps for myself too. Hoping we both make it out of the darkness.

Mel said...

Keep your faith... I am praying for you. God IS there, I promise, and he will not forsake you.

Maria said...

We are here for you. Keeping writing. The road we have to walk with infertility is so incredibly, heartbreakingly hard.

I'm praying for you right now.

melissa said...

I will be praying for you, I understand you anguish between knowing God is so good but feeling like He is treating you so bad, it doesnt seem to make sense, but for some reason this is the way He is choosing to work, it makes me angry, for you, for me, for anyone who is feeling this. But inspite of the anger we know that God is good, and He will be glorified.

Happy Not-So-Newlywed said...

Hey girlie-

I actually read this post a few days ago and then again earlier today and noticed that we had similar themes (yet with different conclusions).

There HAS to be light at the end of the tunnel. I can't remember which one, but a blog today said "before you get a rainbow you have to live through the rain." That really hit home with me, and I would add my own second line: "To get the rainbow the light must shine through."

Going through this rain has made me have to find my own personal pockets of light- for example, I have realized how incredibly lucky I am to have a loving and supportive husband. And for the most part, besides the IF stuff, I have my health. I am eternally grateful for both of these- as MANY people are not as lucky as I am.

Sometimes the "light" for me is just realizing what I DO have, and what qualities I DO have that make me worthy of love and success.

I truly hope you find at least a tiny smidgen of light. September isn't far at all- and it is wonderful that you have frozen embryos, right? Hope is not lost. I will be praying for you.

Marie said...

I have been there honey, heck I am there now. I can't give you encouragement in the faith department because mine looks like a cracked mirror that a fat opera lady sang to loudly at. Just know that we are all in this river trying to keep floating. Know that when you cry there is many others crying the same tears. I care about your sorrows even though I do not know you.

whataboutmyeggs said...

I know at times the tunnel that IFs live in is so dark, it seems impossible that anyone could ever see the other end. But learn to put your trust in Him. He is the light at the end of all of our tunnels. Even though we may not like what is on the other side, remember that His purpose is not to punish or forsake you, His purpose is to let you learn to love yourself through thick and this as much as He has loved you. I know how hard it is to ask for prayer especially when you can't even begin to make them understand your pain and need. But know that we IFs are always praying for one another. Stay strong, and have faith.

Erin from Massachusetts said...

Found your blog from my friend Brenda's ("Lost in Space") blog.
Hope you don't mind me absorbing your beautifully written thoughts...

Just wanted to say how very moved I was by this breathtaking entry. You have motivated me to consider starting a blog of my own.

And by the way, your playlist is lovely. I have always loved Jewel.

"Praying for Time" has long been one of my very favorite songs. And at this particular point in our lives, it holds such meaning, doesn't it? The injustice of infertility is just too much to bear.

Although we are probably physically hundreds of miles apart, I am emotionally right beside you. This journey brings us to unspeakably dark places, but the friends I have met online somehow sustain me. Thanks for letting me in.


emilythehopeless said...

hugs and prayers going your way..


Nichole said...

This is the first time I have read your blog (thank you for commenting on mine) Reading your blog is like reading my own mind. The God thing I struggle with every day. I know he calls us to be faithful and believe, but after 3 and a half years...its tough.
You are in my thoughts and my prayers!

seriously? said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog! I am sorry to hear of your pain and how intense it is.

Riley is an Airedale Terrier (girl), in that picture she is about 8 months old (she is about 9 months now). She is mostly full grown at 42 lbs, she may gain some more as she fills out. She is small for an Airedale. Your dogs are cute! I love their faces.

andnotbysight said...

I'll certainly be keeping you in my prayers! I need to pray for many of the same things for myself, too--you're not alone!

I Believe in Miracles said...

I could write so much in response to this blog post. It is awesome. Raw. Real. Thank you for your honesty with your struggle.

Infertility definitely makes you question what God is doing, who he is and why on earth is this happening. It's hard to imagine what he's doing. I don't believe God wants or causes infertility. I think it's caused by the sin in the world. But what I do believe is that you can lean on God for strength. He has such amazing powers and loves you so SO much.

I too didn't grow up in a Christian home. And there are so many things that I learned from this mission trip that might encourage you...

1. God loves you.
2. He breaks you to make you more like him. In your suffering, you lean on him and learn about his suffering. The incredible thing that Jesus died to reunit us to our Father. He makes you see your sin - it hurts, it's ugly - but in it you see your need for Jesus.
3. If you didn't suffer, you wouldn't be able to see his glory. This woman shared her testimony - and it was so beautiful. In a nutshell, she was bipolar, suffering every day waking up in darkness, so close to that line of breaking, and yet God has shown her his love through her thorn. And her punchline - If God can use me, he can use anybody.

Hope this isn't too preachy but I wanted to encourage you that although we're big big sinners, we have a big BIG savior.

****BIG HUG****
And lots of prayers.

Bugged said...

Hi there,

I just got a couple of verses together this evening to post on our prayer day thread on my forum.

Perhaps it's not chance that I stumble upon your blog this exact same night.

Be blessed:

Deu 7:13
And he will love thee, and bless thee, and multiply thee: he will also bless the fruit of thy womb, and the fruit of thy land, thy corn, and thy wine, and thine oil, the increase of thy kine, and the flocks of thy sheep, in the land which he sware unto thy fathers to give thee.

Mat 18:20
For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

1Sa 1:13
Now Hannah spoke in her heart; only her lips moved, but her voice was not heard. Therefore Eli thought she was drunk. So Eli said to her, "How long will you be drunk? Put your wine away from you!" But Hannah answered and said, "No, my lord, I am a woman of sorrowful spirit. I have drunk neither wine nor intoxicating drink, but have poured out my soul before the LORD. "Do not consider your maidservant a wicked woman, for out of the abundance of my complaint and grief I have spoken until now." Then Eli answered and said, "Go in peace, and the God of Israel grant your petition which you have asked of Him."

1Sa 1:10
And she [was] in bitterness of soul, and prayed to the LORD and wept in anguish.

1Sa 1:20
Wherefore it came to pass, when the time was come about after Hannah had conceived, that she bare a son, and called his name Samuel, [saying], Because I have asked him of the LORD.

Jer 29:11-12
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.

Jer 32:17
“Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you.

Luv & Hugs

candy said...

here from ICLW. i'll definitely be praying for you. in the short amount i've read on your blog just now i identify with so much of it. thanks for being so honest, and i'm sorry you're going through this.

GP said...

i just wanted to share my (((hugs))) i wish i had some uplifting words to comfort you but unfortuneatly i am in the same dark tunnel. it sux.. just know your not alone.... I hope that the light makes it know for us all...(ICLW)

Martha said...

Here from ILCW. I am sending my prayers to you and my best wishes for peace.

Elize said...

Hi! I stumbled onto your blog from Bugged.

Your post really moved me, and it mirrors exactly how I'm feeling at the moment. You have a wonderful way with words and are able to express your feelings in a way that I struggle to do.

I will pray for you and hope that you find the peace that you so greatly deserve.


BethH6703 said...

Prayers said. And I've added you to my nightly prayer list.

I wish I could make it better - for you, for me, for all of us.

tripmom827 said...

I will pray for you. I am an infertility survivor and remember all too well the pain that you are describing. I pray that you will find peace and joy in the midst of it all.


Rebecca said...

Oh, God bless you! :(

Photogrl said...

Wow. What an honest, painful, yet powerful post. I will add you tonight to my prayers...

Thank you for stopping by my blog.

petridishbaby said...

It sounds like you are in a bad place now,and I know how you feel! IF starts to consume your life, I struggle daily no to let it define me. I have a hard time believing in God during this time, but still find myself turning to Him in the evening when I go to bed. I don't ask for a baby, but instead ask for strength to accept his will, whatever it may be, and thank Him for my blessings - my family, my house, my job, my husband. If God wants me to be a mom, I will be, and that is that...not up to me at all. So try and let go a bit of the only live once, and to be sad the whole time would be a shame!! I hope you are feeling better soon!!

alicia said...

saying prayers for you. I hope you are out of this hole soon!

here from ICLW

Ronda's Rants said...

I will hold you in my prayers...May you feel God's love!

momofonefornow said...

Hi from ICLW,

I will be praying for you. Please know that you are not alone. I have been in that nasty dark place because of my frustration with IF. I have argued with God and turned away but he always tugs back. Always.

katd said...

You are in my prayers definitely. I pray for guidance and inner peace for you both and that the wishes of your heart will be granted. :)

bendingbackwards said...

My prayers are with you.

A visitor from ICLW.

lisamm said...

I'm sorry you're going through this. I have been where you are. I remember the black hole, the pain and confusion, the questioning God- why was he doing this to me? I also remember when I came to the realization that my ultimate goal was parenting, not pregnancy. Less than a year later I was a mom, through adoption. One year after that we were blessed with daughter #2. I know now that I have the family God meant for me to have, and the children who were meant to be mine, and ten years later I can't imagine my life any other way- but I could not see that then. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Dreams Come True said...

Here from ICLW.

You will definitely be in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that things turn around for you soon and you find peace and happiness.

momofonefornow said...

Just re-returning your comment. I am so glad to have found another Jennifer Weiner lover. I wish they would make Good In Bed into a movie (of course it probably wouldn't be as good) Have you read any of Jen Lancaster's books? They are memoirs (exaggerated) and they are funny. She is snarky and witty and crazy. Her blog is called Jennsylvania. It might be a good pick me up.

I guess if you have already read her stuff than this is just useless babble (haha)

nh said...

You've got my prayers, and I need to share something with you - so I apologise if this is long...

Last year after I miscarried (after ICSI) I spent a lot of time angry and questioning God, I couldn't find a way forward, like you I felt I was drowning in the darkness. I was lucky, my Church friends knew how tough I was finding things, and told the Minister. He was only a visiting Minister, but he came and saw me and sat and cried and prayed and talked and talked and talked. When he left and went back to South Africa the Minister he had stood in for came and saw me (and he was only at our Church for a year). He spent a lot of time with me, and I repeated asked why God had let this happen? To which he replied that God isn't a Calvanistic God, it wasn't something that I had done that had caused this, he does not punish bad people (and he wasn't saying that I am a bad person). He told me repeatedly that God is there crying with me, that he wants to share his 'divine comfort' with us.

I wish I could share more about how I feel - this perhaps isn't the time or place, but please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

momofonefornow said...

re-re-re-re-returning (I think, ha!) your comment. Thank you for the recommendations. I will add them to my TBR list!

Just Me. said...

Hey there, how's my WonderWoman doing???

I've been wondering how you are.

I have something for you on my blog:

Please do drop by when u're free!


Sassy said...

I'm so sorry you're in such a deep dark hole. I hope you find a little light to stay with you soon.

Jill said...

I hope you are finding your way out of the dark tunnel. There will be light again. I know it really stinks to be going through IF, but you've got a lot of people here for you. ((huge hugs)).

Arpee said...

It's good to know you are feeling better now.

I hope and pray that you continue to feel better, but when some days you feel down (and they will come back), keep your head up and look to the only One who can give us comfort and peace beyond all understanding!