I'm not sure why I seem to be drowning right now, but I am. I just am.
With infertility, there is no "light at the end of the tunnel." There is no end in sight. There is no 100% guarantee of getting what you want. Thus, there is no end to your emotional turmoil.
I have shut the world out. I have closed off my friends. I have limited my emails and phone conversations for fear of revealing too much of my imperfect self. It is not a place many people want to discuss, and it is a place few know how to pull someone out of and brave. I think I am the only one who can help me.
Of course, in the midst of my misery, my period and cramps have decided to creep in slowly and miserably. On Friday my cramps were a 9.5 on a 10-point pain scale! I wasn't sure I was going to survive, and I had taken all the pain medication I could take. Babe was worried and began questioning how my endometriosis was ever going to get better. It's not. I am worried it is getting worse by the month, and that scares me. I can take my medication, but I am down for three and four days at a time during my period and the medication does little more than dull the pain.
I have tried leaving God out, and I have tried just the opposite- letting Him in. I do know two thoughts have come to mind frequently the past few days, which I dare share with you. These thoughts have to be of God because they have come to me several times, and they are not something I would think of on my own~
"I want you to be happy."
I know God wants me to be happy, but my prayers are yet to be fulfilled. I know there is a reason why I do not yet have a child, but that is extremely difficult to accept. If He wants me to be happy, why is my struggle so constant? The pain rages through my bones, from head to toe, like an unrelenting throb that never ceases.
"Ask for prayers."
Ask for prayers? As in ask for help? Let people know I am struggling?
Let me explain that I did not grow up in a family that prays or attends church. Religion was not a part of my upbringing or early life. It was not until I attended a Christian college, where I felt drawn to an amazing God and found amazing Christian friends. I know God loves me, but His love and acceptance is completely overwhelming. It is not something I can truly understand. I feel unworthy of anyone's love most days, so assuming God loves me unconditionally is foreign.
Anyway, back to my point.... God has told me to ask for prayers. So, here I sit, bawling my eyes out, and coming to you meekly and humbly to ask for prayers. For those of you that like specifics, here they are:
-Please pray for me to find my way of out of this nasty hole I am in and find some motivation.
-Please pray for God to allow me to find some inner peace with being infertile. Ask that He show me I am not being punished but am enduring this because I need to be broken.
-Please pray that I seek His will and not my own.
-Please pray for peace of mind and help in making tough decisions on this journey, even if they are the ones I fear.
Thank you for allowing me to bear my soul, as nasty as it may be right now. Thank you for not judging me. Thank you for supporting me.
Through your prayers, I hope to see the light soon...
"The light at the end of the tunnel is not an illusion. The tunnel is." (Author Unknown)