Sunday, May 11, 2008

STICKS & STONES

Sticks and stones will break your bones but words will never hurt you.

I remember jump-roping, hopscotching, and chanting this phrase to my elementary-aged friends many years ago on the playground. But the part of it that rings in my ear, especially on this Mother's Day, is that words can hurt you- sometimes even more than sticks and stones. Words are the emotional torment, the unseen hurt and pain. Words are afflictions and agonies that you try to forget but end up tucking behind your heart; afflictions and agonies that penetrate your mind-
words are never truly forgotten.

I had a co-worker tell me, "Happy Mother's Day," on Friday. While he will never know how badly it hurt me, those words are stuck in my mind, cutting deeper and deeper as this Mother's Day slowly expires. And yesterday, while at my own mother's house celebrating the holiday, my grandfather said something even worse. "Wow, honey, you look like you are gaining some weight, getting the middle-age spread. Are you pregnant?" If he only knew my longing to actually be pregnant, to be able to make that joyous announcement. If he only knew his words cut through my soul like a newly-sharpened knife.

As I write this, I am in mourning. The tears fall from my face. Aching and longing for the hope of a child. Mourning the losses I have already endured. Praying the devastation will soon stop.

How can one day bring such emotion? I am proud. Proud that my mother chose to have me, despite being a seventeen-year old parent. I am happy. Happy that a good friend gets to celebrate her first Mother's Day with the recent birth of a beautiful son. I am hopeful. Hopeful that I will one day celebrate the same. I am sad. Sad that this day brings such pain for me personally.

While I may not have a babe in my arms to celebrate this day, I must remain hopeful that one Mother's Day I will cry tears of joy and bow to a God that has granted me my heart's desire. In that hope, I must remember that I am human, my emotions are very real, and that it is okay for me to feel all that I do on this sensitive day. It is Mother's Day, after all, and I will one day celebrate this day for all that it is meant to be.

Sticks and stones will break my bones and words can surely hurt me.

4 comments:

Happy Not-So-Newlywed said...

Hi. Thank you so much for commenting on my blog!

I had a similar experience in Nordstroms today, of all places. The woman who was helping me asked me if I was a mother. I said no, not yet, and she said 'oh, I was going to say Happy Mother's Day, but nevermind." People have no idea how much something so innocent can actually be hurtful. I'm sure I have been guilty of this, too, which makes me so sad.

Anyway, I hope you were able to get through the day without too much pain.

pamela.ilovemcdreamy said...

Hi there, I came across your blog recently. I too am dealing with infertility issues. I had a bittersweet Mother's day yesterday but DH has been really sweet during the weekend.

I understand your pain and it sucks when you'd think how your social network of family and friends should ideally be supportive of what you go through.

I've had my fair share of pain and have lost friends along the way in my journey of hoping that someday we'll have a baby.

I'm blowing positive vibes along your way and hope one day, this pain will stop and you can see the light.. someday, somehow.

BIG HUGS.

ps i've tagged you on my blog.. just so to keep in touch with my cyber friends... :)

Duck said...

Mothers day is always a hard one. I too have endo ( i saw your comment on endo-a-go-go).
Take care

Mel said...

I am so sorry. :(
Mothers Day is one of the hardest and there are so many people in the world that need to learn how to just shut their yap!
I hope today is better for you, I know it sucks and it's hard to pick yourself up and move forward with life through infertility but I have learned that we somehow manage. And thank heavens we have one another!
Thanks for stopping by my blog and I look forward to getting to knowing you better!
*hugs*