As a little girl, I dreamed of things most little girls dreamed of- the white picket fence, Prince Charming, being Snow White, a beautiful green lawn, and five kids running around the house. Yes, I did say five. Perhaps this is why there are fairytales; because it isn't often that any of these things all happen to make one perfect life story.
As I've grown older, my fairytale ideas have changed. Have they changed because I know they can't exist, or have they changed because I no longer want the same things I wanted as a little girl?
Are fairytales dreams or are fairytales unrealistic dreams?
My adult life (and part of my childhood fairytale) begins with meeting my Prince Charming. My hubby is fantastic! He is my complete opposite, my soul mate, my parallel. We have been married nearly six years now and started our trying-to-conceive-adventure about two years into our marriage. After a year of "trying" using only basal body temperature charts and home ovulation predictor kits, I went in for my yearly OB/GYN exam and started voicing my concerns. My OB/GYN recommended we do a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG). This dye test detected no visible problems, minus the tilted uterus, which I was told would not hinder a pregnancy. For three months after the HSG, we continued trying to conceive with the basal body temperature charts and home ovulation predictor kits. Still no pregnancy; my OB/GYN then recommended a laparascopy. The laparascopy revealed "significant amounts" of endometriosis, but she cauterized and removed all that she could during the surgery. She did not feel my endometriosis was severe enough to keep us from conceiving, so we tried for another several months.
After two years of trying and no darn luck, we finally decided to see an infertility specialist. We have been seeing him almost a year-and-a-half and have been through many procedures. In short, my husband has been checked and is fine, and I have been checked and am fine (minus Mr. Endometriosis). I call the endometriosis a "Mister" because only a man could cause that much pain every month!
We started at the bottom of the procedure ladder and have been climbing ever since~
Rung 1- As with most infertility specialists, we started with a few rounds of Clomid and IUIs. None produced a pregnancy.
Rung 2- After the preliminary tests and a few initial Clomid cycles with IUI, we underwent several rounds of injectables and IUIs. In October of 2007, we received our first positive blood and urine pregnancy test. Unfortunately, this turned out to be chemical pregnancy #1. I can remember that devastation like it was yesterday. My poor Prince Charming- I was worse than the wicked stepmother from Cinderella for a while. Looking back on it now, it was terrible and horrific (in my eyes), but it was not the end of the world.
Rung 3- In December of 2007, we underwent in-vitro, producing seventeen high-quality embryos. Two were transferred in December. January 2, 2008 I received another positive blood pregnancy test. Within the week, however, we learned this was chemical pregnancy #2. Again, a pity party and temper tantrum ensued. And again, I learned it was not the end of the world.
Rung 4- I needed a physical, mental, and emotional break, and we took one until March of 2008. In March, we transferred two of our seven frozen embryos. The transfer led to chemical pregnancy #3. But guess what? I didn't act like Cinderella's evil stepmother, I didn't throw a temper tantrum, and I didn't put Prince Charming through hell. Instead, I cried and decided I needed to get better at moving forward.
So, here I sit physically while waiting for my mind to tell me how to move forward mentally. I'm not going anywhere. I just need some time to recoup, regroup, and repossess my physical and mental self. Alone with my thoughts, I am also realizing my adult fairytales are perhaps my mature childish dreams- a wonderful marriage, babies, a cute house, and friends and family full of love and support. Quite honestly- I have most of my adult fairytale. But a void sits and resonates through me on a daily basis: Babies. Where are the five babies I dreamed of as a six-year-old fairytale princess?
This goes back to my original question- Are fairytales dreams or are fairytales unrealistic dreams? My answer? Whether realistic or unrealistic, dreams are dreams. And a girl has got to have dreams to keep going!
"To dream anything that you want to dream. That's the beauty of the human mind. To do anything you want to do. That is the strength of the human will. To trust yourself to test your limits. That is the courage to succeed" (Bernard Edmonds).
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