Monday, May 12, 2008

FAIRYTALES

As a little girl, I dreamed of things most little girls dreamed of- the white picket fence, Prince Charming, being Snow White, a beautiful green lawn, and five kids running around the house. Yes, I did say five. Perhaps this is why there are fairytales; because it isn't often that any of these things all happen to make one perfect life story.

As I've grown older, my fairytale ideas have changed. Have they changed because I know they can't exist, or have they changed because I no longer want the same things I wanted as a little girl?

Are fairytales dreams or are fairytales unrealistic dreams?

My adult life (and part of my childhood fairytale) begins with meeting my Prince Charming. My hubby is fantastic! He is my complete opposite, my soul mate, my parallel. We have been married nearly six years now and started our trying-to-conceive-adventure about two years into our marriage. After a year of "trying" using only basal body temperature charts and home ovulation predictor kits, I went in for my yearly OB/GYN exam and started voicing my concerns. My OB/GYN recommended we do a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG). This dye test detected no visible problems, minus the tilted uterus, which I was told would not hinder a pregnancy. For three months after the HSG, we continued trying to conceive with the basal body temperature charts and home ovulation predictor kits. Still no pregnancy; my OB/GYN then recommended a laparascopy. The laparascopy revealed "significant amounts" of endometriosis, but she cauterized and removed all that she could during the surgery. She did not feel my endometriosis was severe enough to keep us from conceiving, so we tried for another several months.

After two years of trying and no darn luck, we finally decided to see an infertility specialist. We have been seeing him almost a year-and-a-half and have been through many procedures. In short, my husband has been checked and is fine, and I have been checked and am fine (minus Mr. Endometriosis). I call the endometriosis a "Mister" because only a man could cause that much pain every month!

We started at the bottom of the procedure ladder and have been climbing ever since~
Rung 1- As with most infertility specialists, we started with a few rounds of Clomid and IUIs. None produced a pregnancy.
Rung 2- After the preliminary tests and a few initial Clomid cycles with IUI, we underwent several rounds of injectables and IUIs. In October of 2007, we received our first positive blood and urine pregnancy test. Unfortunately, this turned out to be chemical pregnancy #1. I can remember that devastation like it was yesterday. My poor Prince Charming- I was worse than the wicked stepmother from Cinderella for a while. Looking back on it now, it was terrible and horrific (in my eyes), but it was not the end of the world.
Rung 3- In December of 2007, we underwent in-vitro, producing seventeen high-quality embryos. Two were transferred in December. January 2, 2008 I received another positive blood pregnancy test. Within the week, however, we learned this was chemical pregnancy #2. Again, a pity party and temper tantrum ensued. And again, I learned it was not the end of the world.
Rung 4- I needed a physical, mental, and emotional break, and we took one until March of 2008. In March, we transferred two of our seven frozen embryos. The transfer led to chemical pregnancy #3. But guess what? I didn't act like Cinderella's evil stepmother, I didn't throw a temper tantrum, and I didn't put Prince Charming through hell. Instead, I cried and decided I needed to get better at moving forward.

So, here I sit physically while waiting for my mind to tell me how to move forward mentally. I'm not going anywhere. I just need some time to recoup, regroup, and repossess my physical and mental self. Alone with my thoughts, I am also realizing my adult fairytales are perhaps my mature childish dreams- a wonderful marriage, babies, a cute house, and friends and family full of love and support. Quite honestly- I have most of my adult fairytale. But a void sits and resonates through me on a daily basis: Babies. Where are the five babies I dreamed of as a six-year-old fairytale princess?

This goes back to my original question- Are fairytales dreams or are fairytales unrealistic dreams? My answer? Whether realistic or unrealistic, dreams are dreams. And a girl has got to have dreams to keep going!

"To dream anything that you want to dream. That's the beauty of the human mind. To do anything you want to do. That is the strength of the human will. To trust yourself to test your limits. That is the courage to succeed" (Bernard Edmonds).

10 comments:

Mel said...

Sometimes I feel like the hardest part of all of this is letting go of what I envisioned my whole life would be since I was a little girl. It's not easy to just accept that we aren't in control and there isn't something somewhere that can allow us to have everything we want.
I am so sorry for your struggle and I hope you can find the strength and hope to move forward!
*hugs*

Duck said...

I never had that ferry tale thing, I don't know why, I don't know if part of me always knew it would be hard, or maybe it's just that I was told i was infertile so young (18ish), or maybe it was all the pain i experienced since my first period, regardless, I always sorta knew.
This endo thing is hell, because not only do we suffer with the emotional hell of not being pregnant every month, we also get to hug the floor in pain for a week or more.
I hope it gets easier for you soon

BB and MTB said...

I hope your fairytale finds you soon!

Carrie said...

I'm sorry this journey has been so long and hard. It is really not fair, huh?

Maria said...

Your dream/fairy tale is the same one I've always had.

I love the quote at the end. Very true.

Lost in Space said...

It is so hard to let go of what we thought our lives would be and deal with what is. I also had a fairytale that will never be.

I am so sorry for your losses and all you have been through. I hope you find the strength to move forward during your break and get to live a modified version of your fairytale after all.

alison said...

Thanks for the sweet comments!

I think we have to have dreams in order to keep moving forward. That doesn't mean it's not hard when we realize they're not going to come true. I hope you find peace and hope and that your dreams do come true.

Bee Cee said...

Hi! and thanks for stopping by my blog.

I can totally relate to your changing reaction to repeated failures. After 4 fresh cycles and 4 failures, I am so over mourning when it doesn't work.

For me, fairytales change over time. What I want from life now, is much different than what I wanted when I was younger. I have evolving fairytales and hopefully that helps with coping.

Good luck with the next stage.

JJ said...

"A dream is a wish your heart makes..." I always have loved Cinderella's song. You are right, you have to have dreams to keep going!

Came over from Bee Cee's blog and wanted to say hello--and I wish you peace of mind and mental clarity as you sit with your feelings as you decide what the next steps are.

pamela.ilovemcdreamy said...

Hi, I too had similar fairy tale dreams and that included a Hansel and Gretel along the way. I can feel your pain and hope somehow you'll find the strength to keep going..as do we all in this journey.

big hugs coming your way.