Wednesday, May 7, 2008


My two favorite shows on television right now are Dancing with the Stars and American Idol. I love them for their mindless entertainment and meaningful talent. But the past few weeks I have found myself DVRing the shows and watching both the show and vote-off later in the week- after I have found out the results from another source. In fact, I actually had a co-worker ask me recently what I did on Tuesday and Wednesday nights that was so important that I couldn't watch American Idol (he often gives me a summary of the performances and results) because I hadn't yet watched them.

I honestly think I have been subconsciously avoiding the shows, performances, and results because I prefer to read what happens online or hear it from a friend after it actually happens. Then, I can truly watch the show for its entertainment purpose and not fret about who may mess up or what the conclusion holds. If I know ahead of time what happens, then I am prepared for the the outcome.

The anticipation of the shows and results are more than I want to deal with right now, much like the two-week window that follows most Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART) procedures. The anticipation precedes the outcome- no matter what happens.

The truth of the matter is that these shows are not worth the anticipation to me, which is why I DVR them and watch them when I want to watch them. But there is no escaping the two-week window that accompanies the reproductive procedures. How do you pass the time more quickly? How do you fly through those two weeks without making yourself sick with worry? How do you not anticipate the outcome? Does anyone prance through those two weeks without constant worry that something you do might affect the embryo(s)? Does anyone anticipate the results and the actual phone call from the hCG blood tests?

I have thought of the most minute details to the point that I am exhausted with worry:
~Did the dog jumping on my belly cause harm?
~Did that piece of chocolate cake hinder me from getting pregnant?
~Is my worry going to cause me to not get pregnant? And if so, how do I stop it?

I remember the doctor's office calling one day with the results of a blood test. I didn't answer- I knew the number. I knew it was the doctor or nurse. I knew I needed to answer the call. I knew I had to face my fears. I knew the anticipation would go away if I took the call. Yet I refused to answer the call because I didn't want to hear the news- good or bad. Deepak Chopra says, "Our thinking and our behaviour are always in anticipation of a response. It is therefore fear-based." It is fear-based: Anticipation causes fear and fear causes anticipation.

How do you break this chain? I'm not really sure how to get over the anticipation and fear of what may or may not happen, but I'm definitely open to hearing suggestions. I've prayed for God to take this anguish and stress away, but I'm not sure how to give it to Him. God doesn't anticipate; He knows. He knows before it happens. And He even knows how I will respond to whatever news I will receive, which helps me realize that I am going through all of this for a reason. He knows my anticipation is for a reason. And maybe my anticipation is to draw me nearer to Him through prayer. I'm trying. I'm really trying. I will continue to pray and ask God to release my anticipation like a helium-filled balloon, to "Let go and Let God." Since we're taking a break from the procedures for a month or two, there is nothing to anticipate right now. No good news or bad news from the test results. And the DVR can keep me anticipation-free until our next go-around.

No comments: