Thursday, May 1, 2008


I blame so many for not being able to carry a baby: myself, my body, my past, the doctors, my friends, my husband, God. My husband has no clue how I can even begin to blame myself for something I cannot control; I feel inadequate, so I place blame.

I think blame comes from anger and disappointment, from not getting what you want. It creeps through every fiber of your body like wildfire. And when it creeps, it encircles and drags everyone you know into the wildfire with it. I blame myself for not being able to produce a child for my husband and a grandchild for my parents. I blame my body for the inability to allow an embryo to cling to it. I blame my past because I feel something I did "then" is affecting my "now." I blame the doctors for not doing their jobs. I blame my friends for not saying the right things when the procedures don't work. I blame my husband for not relating, understanding and being supportive. I blame God for not giving me- His precious child- my heart's desire.

Is it logical? No. But is it my reality? Yes.

The problem with blame is that it causes doubt and insecurity, neither of which I need while trying to get pregnant. Blame "denotes a sense of responsibility for an offense" ( What offense is it that I blame myself for exactly? Is not being able to carry a baby an actual offense? Doubtful, but to those competing with infertility, it is a true offense, if only in our minds.

So how do you stop The Blame Game? In my opinion, I think taking ownership of the fact that I have choices is one way. My husband and I can create a plan of action, knowing we have alternatives; I can research our options. Another way for me to stop blaming myself is positive "self talk." When these nasty blame thoughts pollute my being, I can wipe the slate clean by assuring myself I play a minimal part in the outcome and a tremendous part of the experience:

I am doing the very best I can.
I am taking care of my body and mind.
I love myself.
My body is capable of carrying a baby to full term.
No one is to blame.
This experience is going to be a splendid one because I am choosing to make it great!

And I'll pray. I'll ask for supreme guidance and guardianship, not only of my physical, emotional, and mental state- but also of my conscious, subconscious, and unconscious mind. I'll ask God to fill the void. I'll ask Him to whisper positive thoughts into my ear and breathe self-confidence through me. There is a perfect child for me. There is a baby that God is waiting to place in my loving arms, one way or another. Blame- be gone! Go find someone else to prey on, and leave me alone.

"All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won’t succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy." (Wayne Dyer)

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