Sunday, May 18, 2008

HEARTSTRINGS OR INTUITION?

My heartstrings are playing a game with my mind. It's a game of hide and seek- my mind winning one round and my heart winning the next. I usually try to listen to my mind since it is the logical part of my being and take notice of how my heart feels since it is the emotional part of my being... and we all know how emotions can change from one second to the next.

My husband likes to give me credit for having "good intuition" about people and situations. He thinks I can pick up on peoples' energy and make solid decisions based on my gut feeling and personal intuition. No- I do not believe I have special powers or premonitions, but I do think I am in tune with myself and my surroundings.

A specific example of my intuition is one that occurred about three years ago. "Babe" (the name I'll use to reference my husband from now on) and I were trying to decide if we should take a vacation. Babe's dad was very ill, and we weren't sure if it was a good time to go away on a trip. I didn't feel like we should leave the state, but Babe decided we needed a break. Babe promised to keep his cell phone on and near him in case the situation with his father worsened.

A few days into our trip, I decided to sleep in while Babe went exploring. He called a bit later to see if I wanted to meet him downstairs for breakfast, which sounded great to me. As we sat down, I asked Babe where his cell phone was. He told me it was in the car, and he would go get later. We finished our breakfast, and Babe decided he wanted to go upstairs to our room to relax for a bit. I told him he needed to go get his cell phone first. Annoyed, Babe told me he would be downstairs later and would get it then. I nagged him, told him I thought he needed to go get it or let me go get it, and we got into a huge fight about the stupid cell phone. He stormed off, and I headed back up to our room. Ten minutes later, he came into our room, cell phone in hand, and said his aunt had called; his father was not doing well, and we needed to fly home immediately. I truly thought he was joking, but the look on his face told me otherwise. He proceeded to tell me that his cell phone was ringing as he was opening the rental car door. Needless to say, we did not make it home before Babe's father passed away. It was one of those "feelings" I had where the silly cell phone seemed like a fight worth fighting. Intuition.

As I write this post, past emotions come back to me and chill bumps cover my arms, but I am reminded that my intuition is needed now. Like I said in a previous post, I have been seeing an infertility specialist for almost a year and a half- let's call him Doctor A. This guy is very nice and patient with me and my five hundred questions. His clinic is small, and the entire staff seems to know what is going on with individual patients. When I leave a message or have a question, I always receive a call back from the doctor or the doctor's nurse by the end of the day. Doctor A is a godly man; he prays for us, and he errs on the side of caution, which in my mind, is a sign of a great doctor. He would rather play it safe than put my health or the health of babies at risk. His bedside manner is not the best, but he is a walking statistic. Doctor A feels my next step in this infertility dance should be another blastocyst transfer since we got a positive pregnancy test in March (ending in a chemical pregnancy) and because our blastocysts were high-quality. Doctor A's IVF and blastocyst transfer rates are very high- in fact, higher than the national average. Alas, I am not pregnant (after all this time seeing him) and am beyond frustrated!

A few weeks ago, I scheduled a consultation with another doctor, Doctor B, to get a second opinion. When I was trying to schedule an appointment with him, I was transferred three different times, and I didn't really have a good feeling about it. I made the appointment anyway. I googled Doctor B and have even asked around about him. What I have discovered about his clinic is that it is much larger than Doctor A's, his staff is impersonal, and it is pretty much a baby-making factory. People are in and out like a revolving door with little effort made to really get to know you. I have also heard from some of his previous patients that Doctor B has a much better bedside manner than Doctor A, but his main goal is to get you pregnant. He will do everything in his power to make that happen, even if it means getting you pregnant with multiples (twins, triplets, and quadruplets). His IVF rates are comparable to Doctor A, but his blastocyst transfer rates are pretty much non-existent.

My husband doesn't think I should even go see Doctor B because he worries I'll have one more decision to make, a weakness that erupted when the infertility treatments started. So I have come to a crossroads- my mind is telling me to stay with Doctor A and give him more time, and my heart is telling me to go see Doctor B and get on with this process. My intuition is to stay with Doctor A because he is first and foremost a scientist, even if I have left his office in tears on multiple occasions. My heartstrings play up the desire and desperation to have a baby, something Doctor B might be able to give me more quickly, but at what or whose expense?

So, my heartstrings play like a violin while intuition juggles my desires. Which crossroad do I take- Doctor A or Doctor B? The scientist or the bedside manner? The personal or the impersonal? The prayer or the hope? The intuition or the heartstrings? As I type this, I think I already know my answer...

"Listen to your intuition. It will tell you everything you need to know." (Anthony J. D'Angelo)

12 comments:

BB and MTB said...

There are always so many questions, and it's hardly ever clear what we should do next. Good luck to you with whatever comes next.

Mel said...

It's a hard decision, one I went through a few months ago. I went with the smaller office and haven't regretted it since.
Pray about it and you'll know what to do!
*hugs*

JJ said...

I thought about moving after our failed IVF, mostly because I was so focused on finding someone who would MAKE it work..

Ended up staying where we are, b/c I love the small clinic feel and the doc and nurses are great.

Best of luck in your decision!

Heather said...

That is what I love about blogging. If I have a question, people usually steer me in the right direction. If I'm not sure about a personal decision sometimes just writing about it makes my head clear and then I know what I need/want to do.

I'm sure you will figure out what is right for you!

pamela.ilovemcdreamy said...

that's a hard decision to make.. i've changed 3 REs cuz I moved interstate. i find it hard whenever i meet new REs cuz you have to get to know them better, you're uncertain about how things work out.

it's a tough one to call, but i'll have you in my prayers and hope all's good for you.

Wishing 4 One said...

First off, I am so happy to have found you're blog today.

What a dilema this infetility is, isn't it? Thank God for everything though, even this.

I live in Cairo, and my doctor sounds alot like Doctor A. He knows all his patients, I even call him on his cell phone, he answers everytime.

I hope you find comfort and a pregnancy in whatever choice you make. I'll be reading. Sending you warm regards and lots of hope.

Lost in Space said...

These decisions are difficult to make. I changed REs after our IUI because he just wasn't a right fit and I will most likely change again if IVF#2 doesn't work so we can move onto CCRM for a last ditch effort.

Whatever decision you make will be the right one for you. (Hugs)

Katie said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I hope you get your own celebration soon.

That being said, this is a tough decision to make. My doctor was more like B, with the exception that her bedside manner was crap. But she was all about getting me pregnant. Turns out, in my case anyway, her aggressive approach worked.

Since your intuiation has taken you in the right direction before, why not listen to it again? If you want to put something more logical behind it, give Dr. A a timeline to make some progress, let's say one more transfer or six months, whichever comes first.

Alex & Jill said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving an encouraging comment. I'll be praying you're able to make the right decision in regards to your clinic...in our situation we prayed and God seemed to really open and close doors, so we knew exactly what to do. No doubt He will do the same for you. :)

The Baker's said...

I am glad that I came across your blog. It is nice to know that I am not alone in the journey with infertility. I to have a Re like Dr.A, but mine has great bedside manners and his staff and him know their patients by name. GOod luck in whatever decision you make. I am praying for you.

~Jess said...

Found your blog throug NaComLeavMo!

I think you already know your answer to *hugs*. The whole IF situation is a constant up and down, known and unknown, hurry up and wait. I'll add you to my prayer list of IF'ers.

Wishing 4 One said...

It so does drag on, the 2ww but you know, I am trying (emphasis on TRYING) not to think about it too much.... easier said than done though.