My husband is currently "emotionally unavailable." As in not taking calls. As in "Don't talk to me or ask me about infertility or babies right now." As in "talk to the hand."
Babe and I got into a huge fight Tuesday evening before and about my Wednesday afternoon consultation appointment with Doctor B. I had asked him to go to this particular appointment on multiple occasions, reminded him of the date and time, and requested his presence so he could give me his personal opinion of the doctor in consideration. Repeatedly, Babe told me he could not make it because of work obligations.
Our Tuesday evening bicker came down to him not wanting me to go see another doctor because he didn't want me to be more confused than I already was about what to do next. And, I, of course, needed him there for support and his clear emotional state, albeit emotional unavailability. Hmph. It was a doozy of a "discussion," but one in which I realized that his train and my train are going to two different destinations at the moment.
Mine: Destination Baby
His: Destination I- have- too- many- other- things -to- worry- about- right- now
Granted, he is quitting one job and starting his own company. He has been working his tail off from the wee hours of the morning to the wee hours of the next morning. He is up to his eyeballs in work. He is trying to be here emotionally, but he is hardly ever here physically. And yet, I need him, want him to be focused on me, and am still aching for that one thing I desire most- Destination Baby. No wonder we argued.
After consulting with various sources, I wasn't sure I would like Doctor B. On the way to his office, I decided to make a mental note of everything I was feeling and the specifics of the clinic as opposed to Doctor A's. His office was a bit more congested and more difficult to find than Doctor A's, his check-in staff not as friendly, and there were pictures of twins, triplets, quadruplets, and quintuplets on the wall, but all that aside, I really liked him. He had what I call "kind eyes," and his bedside manner was remarkable. He was very open and encouraged me to question him and communicate with him at all times. He talked with my husband (he came to the appointment despite out argument) and me for more than an hour and told us things similar to what Doctor A had told us: "It is not time to give up hope. Do what you feel most comfortable with. If you like your other doctor, stay with him. Pregnancies and positive statistics are higher for IVF, but you still have frozen blastocysts you can exhaust. If you proceed with the frozen transfer, stay with Doctor A because you'll have better chances. You need to decide what is right for you, but Doctor A and I are basically clones of each other."
Guess what? I went in thinking I didn't like him, only to find that I did! I liked what he had to say. I liked his kind eyes. I liked his opinions. I liked the tour he gave me of the clinic and procedure rooms. I liked his nurse. I liked that he gave me his personal pager number. And what I liked even more was that I had another option, another choice in this infertility dance. What more could I ask for besides the overwhelming peace of mind I also felt and needed?
After mulling things over, I decided and settled on a plan for Destination Baby. I talked to Babe about my course of action and decided that since he is emotionally unavailable (and for very valid reasons) that it would be best to wait and do IVF only after we have exhausted the frozen blastocysts; he agreed. So, with his emotional unavailability and my current (and rare) emotional balance, this is where we are. This is the new-found plan. This is why our trains are on two different adventures at this moment in time. This is the reason we have options. This is the reason I needed a break. This is the "feeling" I had prayed for and discussed with God that I wanted to have about the doctor. All this, my friends, is it. "It." The fertility journey!
"Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently." (William Arthur Ward)