Stupid Results

 I feel like I'm disappointing myself, Babe, and the entire world as I type this: My HcG was negative. Why do I feel like God and the world are rejecting me?

"It's not the end of the world, but sometimes it sure feels like it." (hope2morrow)

Veins

I realized today that all of us struggling through infertility are like veins. Veins support one another, transport, bleed, and are intertwined. You all are the veins in this journey, carrying me through when times are tough, transporting peace and hope, bleeding with me when my heart cries, reaching out when help is needed, and weaving your way into my life like you will never understand. Thank you for your support.

These past few weeks have been so busy, and I feel horrible for not commenting at the pace I usually do. I think things will be better in the upcoming weeks. Bare with me. I still adore you and often I am reading your posts; I just haven't had much time to comment.

My appointment at the doctor's on Thursday was interesting. I showed the doctor the whelps on my rear end, and he said I was developing an allergy to the oil in the Progesterone and Estradiol Valerate. He said he had another woman with a similar reaction, but she refused to tell him because she wanted to have a baby so badly and she feared he would take her off the needed medications. She ended up in the hospital because her throat closed in from an allergic reaction. Needless to say, he took me off both medications.

Apparently only 5-10% of patients develop this allergy. Go figure that I would be one of them. I have now been put on Estrace tablets twice a day orally and once a day vaginally in addition to a vaginal gel called Cronin twice daily. I'm not really sure if the intramuscular injections or this new regimen is worse. Doesn't matter- I'll do it in hopes of a baby. 

My doctor was pretty unkind to me Thursday evening when I had to page him because I couldn't find the Cronin after calls to three different pharmacies. My pharmacy ordered it, but it was not likely to be there until Friday morning or Monday. My doctor told me to continue calling pharmacies because I needed to take it that evening. He said I was bound to find it, even if I had to call multiple places. The doctor said he had prescribed it before, but that it was difficult to find because so few people needed it.  My awesome pharmacy must have heard the panic in my voice when I returned at 7:15 PM to tell them I needed the prescription note back because they called about fifteen places until they found a neighboring city that had it. Bless their hearts. I thanked them profusely and zoomed off to get the much-needed medication.

Babe was so ticked with my doctor he could hardly speak. He said that even if only 5-10% of our doctor's patients needed this medication, the doctor should know where it could be found. He wanted me to be sure and tell the doctor that if I got pregnant this month it wasn't because of him; it was in spite of him. Babe feels like 50% of my stress comes from the doctor and his staff. After he rattled off a list of times I had been upset with the clinic, I could hardly disagree with him. 

Anyway, I'm still praying Thaw and Hatch stay put, but my hope isn't as high as it was toward the beginning of this cycle. Guess we'll know Thursday of this week after the blood test. And no- I don't do the home pregnancy tests; I wait for the actual blood test results.

In other news, I have a new puppy cousin. My grandpa went and bought my aunt a new puppy after the incident with Riley occurred. The new puppy's name is Quincy; he is so darn adorable. As soon as I take some pictures, I promise to post them. Quincy came over for a play date this week, and he was welcomed by my two furbabies. I'm glad Quincy is a part of our family, but I know my aunt misses Riley dearly. She's still having a hard time with the guilt she feels for not taking good enough care of Riley- she says she doesn't deserve a new puppy. She also told me "the event" continues to play through her mind before she falls asleep every night. I think only time can heal her wounds and the horrible memories of the accident. 

Many of you told me I needed some rest, and you'll be glad to know I have taken it pretty easy this weekend. Yeah! Thanks for the advice.

Also, since I can no longer take Progesterone in Oil and Estradiol Valerate, I'd like to hold a contest to give away some extras I have for anyone that needs them. I have the following unopened medications to give away:

2- 50 mg/mL bottles of Progesterone in Oil

1- 20 mg/mL Estradiol Valerate

1- 10,000 Units of HCG 

I hope they can go to a good home and save someone some money. If you need any of these and would like to participate in the giveaway, please post a comment letting me know which medication(s) you need and then replying with an answer to the contest scenario:

Babe and I had some family portraits taken with the two of us. There are 175 pictures, and we ended up really liking more than forty of them. Our plan was to frame some of them and give them to parents and grandparents for Christmas. The problem is we feel like everyone may want a different pose... so we want a creative way to give family members the choice of pictures/poses. How do we present our individual family members with their options without having to print a zillion of every pose?  

Contest ends Friday, September 26 at 6:00 PM Central time, so make sure your entries are in by that time. You can comment as many times as you can think of ideas, and I'll pick as many winners as needed to get rid of all the medications. Make sure I have a way to get back with you, either via blog or email. 

I can't wait to hear your ideas! Even if you don't need any of the medications, you are more than welcome to participate too. I'll think of another prize for you if you win the contest. Thanks for all your help, friends!

"There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness." (Carl Jung)

FET, "Thaw" and "Hatch"

To begin, I'm sorry this post is choppy. I'm trying to give you all updates since you've been so kind and supportive, asking how everything went last week. I'm headed to bed early tonight so again, I apologize for the roughness of this post.

FET occurred last Thursday, September 11th. Two embryos were transferred- a 4BB and a 6BA. I have named them "Thaw" and "Hatch." One was literally described by the doctor as "hatching," hence the name "Hatch." The other- well, that one is self explanatory. Never named my embryos before, but it felt right to do so this time. 

Transfer went okay.  Doctor freaked about me driving myself and told me I should have called to ask him. I did; I called the nurse, and she said it was fine. Doctor forgot about the speculum after the transfer and almost left the room. I had to remind him he needed to remove it. Seriously. Not even joking.

Bed rest after transfer on Thursday.

Friday I worked my fingers to the bone. Later that night, I got a call that my aunt's new six-month old puppy, Riley, had been hit by a car (Her seventeen-year old dog died just before she got Riley). On the way over to Cindy's, my mom called to tell me that the puppy had jumped out the car window while she was driving in her neighborhood and hadn't survived. A neighbor who stopped to help my aunt called my grandma to tell her he was "very concerned" about "the lady" because she was hysterical. I was the first family member to arrive. Blood everywhere! She was literally covered in blood; it was one of the most horrific scenes I had ever seen. She was sitting on the curb, bawling, and holding Riley in a towel. The smell was awful. It was gruesome and sad. My heart ached for her. Apparently Riley jumped out her window while she was driving, and she hit him. Dogs are family members in our eyes. She lost a part of herself Friday nigh that she will never get back, and she blames herself for Riley's death.

Babe "took care of" Riley for us later that night, and I stayed with my aunt until about 2:00 in the morning. She is a smoker, and although she didn't smoke in the house while I was there, you could smell it rampantly in her tiny condo.

The longer I was there, the more stressed I became about the embryos and the shot I needed at 6:30 AM the morning. It was a bad, bad experience, but I wouldn't have left her alone for anything in the world. I don't regret my decision to stay, but I am concerned about the stress, the smoke smell, and my lack of rest so soon after the transfer.

Have been drinking a hot coffee-like beverage that my friend gave me supposedly containing no caffeine. I stressed the importance of no caffeine! Come to find out it has 79.8 milligrams of caffeine per serving. Dang it! Why was I stupid enough to not look the ingredient/nutritional information up until now?

Tired. Grumpy. Overworked. Concerned about the embryos and their survival. My stress is stressing. Ultimately, I know this is in God's hands and "whatever will be, will be,"  but this sure isn't looking good. I know the embryo(s) would attach despite all of this in a normal person's body, but I am not normal. Man, I could really use a break.

Doctor's appointment tomorrow AM to check my Estrogen and Progesterone levels in case adjustments need to be made to my meds. My rear end is very sore and "bumpy." Anyone else get large, red, raised areas from the Progesterone in Oil injections? I've never had them like this and am almost embarrassed to show my doctor. Maybe I can ask him about it in the morning.

More soon, I promise. And hopefully with better news.....

"Chaos is a friend of mine." (Bob Dylan)

The Sun will come out, Tomorrow

This weekend was awesome. I just adore my best friend who I call "My Peah." We went to eat Friday night at a little place outside the city with Babe, and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.

Once we returned home, Peah told me we needed to open my birthday gift. Even thought my birthday isn't until Sunday (the 14th), she was ready..... and do you know what she got for me?

You'll never guess.....

Uh huh. 30 gifts. All for me. Me and my upcoming 30th birthday.

Soap, a coffee mug, candied cashews, three shirts, soap, candles, candlesticks, panties, a picture frame, a water bottle, fruit roll ups, a notepad, and the list goes on.....

Saturday we slept in, went to a nice "girl" lunch together, and then I conned her in to helping me redecorate my office. I painted it a few weeks back, but nothing had been hung on the walls or reorganized besides the furniture. Since she's such a great decorator, what better way to spend the day? As soon as I put the finishing touches on it, I'll post pictures. I'm thrilled with the way it is turning out though! Thanks, My Peah.

Sunday we slept in again, went to a little deli for lunch and then came home to nap. We enjoyed just hanging out and being together. My Peah is the greatest. She's the bestest friend in the whole wide world. She's a supporter, an encourager, and most of all- a great listener. I mean, who else would have taken the 30 gifts idea and run with it? If this weekend is any prelude to 30, it's going to be a great year! Thanks, My Peah, for being you!

So, here's where I seek help. I am currently a Clicker for General Infertility (I--N) and can't find the time to keep up because of my work schedule right now. I need to email Mel and let her know I don't have the time to be a clicker anymore, but I was hoping to have a replacement so she doesn't have to find one. If you want to know more about it or are interested in filling my spot, email me. It only takes about fifteen to thirty minutes once every day or every few days, but I feel like I'm doing my category and assigned bloggers an injustice because of my lack of time at the moment.

My FET is tomorrow. Thanks Nity and Lost in Space for your warm emails this evening. What a great way to go into this thing, considering I'm not happy with Babe at the moment.... he can't drive me to the transfer. Bummer, I know. I need him there for support more than anything, but he has a doctor's appointment of his own that he scheduled for tomorrow; it would take him another four weeks to get back in to see this doc. It's a doctor he really needs to see, so I told him not to cancel. And considering we haven't told our family about any of our infertility treatments, I'm stuck going this one alone. I'm sure it will be fine. It's just nice to have a hand-holder, a warm smile, and a ride home without having to "think." I know you all will be there with me in spirit though, which truly does comfort me.

I leave you with a few more pictures from this weekend- I'm actually posting pictures of myself, a very scary thing for me. As I post, I'm humming you all a little diddy: "The sun will come out, tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be sun."

"It doesn't matter how many say it cannot be done or how many people have tried it before; it's important to realize whatever you're doing, it's your first attempt at it. (Wally Amos)

Fun times at Ridgemont High

In a little over a week, I will officially celebrate my 30th birthday. Sigh. Thirty seems so old to me. Old. Older. Oldest. Yuck. I've actually been dreading it. Even thinking about it now makes me want to cry for some reason. 

Babe constantly reassures me that thirty is not old, but of course he says that: he's forty-two. He asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I told him that for my 30th birthday, the big 3-0, I felt like he should give me thirty presents- one for each day of this month. He laughed and told me I was crazy. (Thanks anyway for the idea, Nity). He's been so sweet these past few weeks, bringing home a few small gifts for me "just because." Thinking about that makes me smile. Thank goodness he loves me, even though I'm turning thirty. (wink)

My best friend, also affectionately known as "Peah,"  is flying into town this weekend to help celebrate the "birthday that shall not be named." Because my FET transfer is scheduled for Thursday the 11th, I wanted to take it easy next weekend, so I asked her to come early. I also want to drink and enjoy myself prior to my FET. We have some fun dinners planned this weekend, and I hope to take some pictures to post in the next week or so.  

With this exciting weekend, a busy work schedule next week and then the FET on Thursday, perhaps my birthday won't be so bad, especially if this cycle ends up bringing positive results. A girl can only hope, huh?

I've also taken up walking in the morning and at night. I have never been focused on exercise at all. I mean at all. I know exercise can only help me so I am doing a program with work to try and walk a certain number of steps per day. I wear a pedometer all day and have been purposefully walking at least three miles per day. And for someone who doesn't exercise, I'm pretty proud of myself. Don't burst my bubble and tell me you run ten miles a day or something. Let me have this moment to relish in my three-mile progress. (Giggle)

Babe and I have also decided on Domestic adoption instead of International adoption. With my crazy work schedule, I haven't had a chance to find the "right" agency yet, but I'm definitely still planning to pursue our new direction and have lots of paperwork to look through and process rationally. Thank you all for your love, support, and encouragement. You have been so wonderful, and I'm honored to be a part of your journeys as well.

I know I've been majorly slacking on commenting, and I apologize. I cannot tell you how busy work is right now, and I'm drowning with how much I have to do, much less try and have a personal life. I promise to be back soon and catch up, but please forgive me if I don't comment on all your posts.

I'll post more about my weekend (hopefully with pictures included) and details about my upcoming FET very soon. 

Until then, take care. 

For Babe: "An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her." (Agatha Christie)