Saturday, June 14, 2008

MY REALITY OF BROKEN

I'm sorry it has been a while since I posted, and I appreciate some of you checking in on me. I actually went to the beach with some college friends and assumed I would be able to post, but I didn't have Internet access. I missed blogging and realized what an outlet it has become to post as well as read about others' adventures. I am leaving town again tomorrow for a week so I wanted to post an update before I left. . .

Before my trip to the beach, I realized I had not had a period in about forty-five days. I had taken a pregnancy test (negative results) because I was undergoing some x-rays. I called my doctor, and he assumed I hadn't ovulated but asked me to come in for a mucus test (doesn't that just sound disgusting?) and ultrasound. The results showed us that I had not ovulated; he put me on Provera for seven days to start my period.

While on my fabulous beach trip, I spent time with three friends, two of which have children. As much as it killed me to hear stories about their children's adventures, I also know this is their reality. They spend most days home with their young ones and had great stories to tell. Often when they spoke of their kids, I could feel myself withdrawing and being quiet. What was I supposed to say? They have every right to talk about their children.

I broke down once at dinner and was mortified. I don't want attention. I don't want people feeling sorry for me. I don't want anyone to pity me. But at the same time, I want people to think before they speak.

One day as we took a beach stroll, I ventured to my quiet place as they spoke of their kids again, and I began noticing the beautiful shells on the beach. For some reason, I was drawn to the sand dollars. There were sand dollars of all shapes and sizes- some big, some small, some perfect and whole, and others broken and cracked. These sand dollars were like my friends and me: The perfect and whole and complete ones represented my friends with children. The cracked and broken ones represented me, the infertile one. But there was even more to this comparison than not having children. The sand dollars that were broken or cracked had character, they lacked something, and they were incomplete. I so desired for them to be complete every time I picked one up on the beach. I felt they deserved to be whole. I felt they had been through tough times. I felt they were just like my life without children: broken.

Upon returning home, I started my period and headed back to the doctor for my baseline ultrasound since I'll be undergoing a frozen transfer cycle in July. My doctor saw me on cycle day 1 because I was going to be out of town when he wanted to see me. As he viewed the ultrasound, he told me he wanted my follicles to all be less than ten. He began rattling off numbers to the nurse- the thickness of my lining, the size of my ovaries, the size of my follicles, etc. Two follicles were slightly larger than ten. He explained that I had the possibility of this cycle being cancelled- something to do with too much progesterone and possibly needing Lupron to shut my body down next time if this doesn't end up working out in July. He also mentioned that it was early in my cycle and things could change, which is why he doesn't like to see patients on cycle day 1. I begin my estradiol injections when my period is nearly finished, call him, and then will return for another ultrasound and blood work when I get back in town that will give us more information on whether we will proceed with the next cycle or not.

My doctor's comments flew above my head and his words swirled around me. My brain could only visualize those sand dollars, that walk on the beach, and my reality of broken.



"I guess when your heart gets broken you sort of start to see cracks in everything. I'm convinced that tragedy wants to harden us and our mission is never to let it." (Anonymous)

15 comments:

DC said...

This is a beautiful post. I'm sorry your trip was tinged with sadness.

I am keeping my fingers crossed that your follies cooperate and this cycle is a go!

Still Standing Strong in A Bloom of Hope. said...

I was beginning to get worried for you cuz i haven't seen anything but figured, maybe you needed your space.

I get that feeling too..i don't know how to be in a company of fertiles anymore.

hugs and will be here when you get back!

Lost in Space said...

I'm sorry your trip was so bittersweet. It is never easy to listen to others talk about something you so desperately want. I go to that quiet place too. (Hugs) Your analogy with the sand dollars is beautiful.

Good luck with your cycle. I hope everything goes well and your next u/s shows you are ready to move forward.

Have a great trip.

The Baker's said...

Thanks for the update, I was beginning to worry about you hoping all was okay, I figured that you need your time and space.I am sorry that the trip to the beach was bittersweet. I like how you used the comparison of sand dollars to life. I completely understand what you mean by people should think before the speak some times, I wish that other would be more sensitive to other feelings. I hope and pray that your follicles cooperate for you this cycle. Hang in there. Hugs

Mel said...

Good to hear from you!
The situation with friends is very hard. The withdrawn silence is something I am all too familar with.
I will be thinking of you in the coming days and hoping that this cycle does NOT get cancelled.
*hugs*

gracechild said...

I've always loved time at the beach. Guess yours was all sweet & sour at the same time. Hope you get the green light on the next cycle but please don't think of yourself as a broken sand dollar, your more of a butterfly lava... any minute now, you'll make the transition from beautiful woman & wife to beautiful wife, mother & woman. (at least that's what I tell myself) :)

InfertileMadWoman said...

Awww Hugs sweetie, big hugs!!!

Rebel

Wishing 4 One said...

Welcome back! Figured maybe you needed some away time, good you took it and also sad that you felt the way you did on the beach....

So here's to a successful July cycle my friend...I missed you and again am so glad your back! xoxoxoxox

The Rebound Girl said...

What is broken can be mended. We WILL be made whole.

T. said...

I love your sand dollar metaphor.
Your friends don't mean to be insensitive- they know you are hurting and don't know what to say to you. And, ironically, they will never know unless you tell them how you are feeling or they read your blog. If you are anything like me, you can't tell them how you are feeling because it hurts too much

Lost in Space said...

I posted the recipe for cheesy chicken dip in a comment of the post that you were asking for it.

You cracked me up today with this. Thanks!!

I Believe in Miracles said...

thanks for my post and encouragement. i loved your latest post - i too feel broken, like i'm incomplete and it drives me bonkers (and i really wish it wouldn't) to see people who i know started ttc after us, but they've got this big beautiful bump and we've got an IUI around the corner.
i hope your follicles turn out ok this cycle. i'll keep checking.

Still Standing Strong in A Bloom of Hope. said...

How we doing girl?

I'm having my "SuperWoman" panties on!hahahha :) u're too sweet!

hugs

courtney said...

Good luck with this cycle! I can't imagine going through three positive tests only for all of them to be chemical. I'm also new to this blogging world, but I love the encouragement we get from the stories of others. Good luck!

Still Standing Strong in A Bloom of Hope. said...

Hey sweetie! I just saw your comment on my blog!

I was watching this movie, Into the Wild yesterday, and told Baby Busted about it. There was this quote that hit me with a bang:

'I read somewhere... how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong... but to feel strong.' -- McCandless

I'm here. Hugs!