HODGE PODGE, MISH MASH, AND PINK ROSES

Thank you. Thank you for your prayers, your well-wishes, and your words of wisdom. I am escaping the darkness and the negativity and moving toward a lighter, more hopeful place. Because I reached out to ask for help and because of your prayers, I am feeling much better. God has lifted me out of the darkness.

I have so many random things to discuss.... I'm going to number my thoughts so if you'd like to comment about one of them, you can just type the number and tell me your thoughts. That way, if you don't want to comment on all of them or don't have time, we can still hear your imparted wisdom.

1) How and why did you choose to be an anonymous blogger or non-anonymous blogger? For example, I post as "Hope2morrow" instead of my real name. Why? Why not just use my real name? I have a real picture of Babe and I on my blog and intend to add more pictures. Are there ways you can be tracked back to your house if your email address is listed or you have pictures of you and your family on your blog? I love seeing others post pictures of themselves and their families, but I worry about safety and security. Should I be concerned with safety and security, especially if I add photos of my family? Anyone have any thoughts, comments, or answers about this?

2) When you start commenting on another person's blog, but they never return the comments, do you stop commenting? Do you give it a certain amount of time before you stop or do you just quit commenting?

3) I have to see the light. I'm ready to catapult myself out of the sinister darkness. I started swimming toward the light and have been doing lots of projects around the house. I'll wait until another post to tell you about all of the projects, but I've been a very busy girl. I also have renewed hope and determination to move forward. Thus, I am going to try not to dwell on the past. I am going to continue pursuing my heart's desires for a child until I feel like it is time to stop. I am going to try and not look back. Instead, I want to learn from those mistakes, keep my eye on the prize, and be optimistic about our great chances of conce

iving. This is not to say I will not falter or have bad days, but this is my pledge to do my best to stay positive in a crappy situation. I know I am going through this experience for many, many reasons that I may or may not ever know. So, I'll climb the rope until I can no longer climb. 

4) I was given The Pink Rose Award by my dear friend Just Me. Just Me is hilarious, random, fun-loving, and a bit ADD. She and I have an ongoing joke about wearing our Big Girl Underwear (even on days we don't feel like getting out of bed)- she wears SuperWoman and I wear WonderWoman. I hope you visit her site to get a glimpse of her creativity, but be warned about her potty mouth. 

I want to pass the Pink Rose Award along to some wonderful encouragers:

     

Angie Smith at Bring the Rain is one of the most amazing, Godly women I have ever met. Well, I haven't officially met her, but I know her through her blog and have been reading her blog for many, many months. In fact, her blog inspired me to begin my own. Angie is uplifting, encouraging, real, and her posts capture raw emotion. I am a huge fan of hers, even if it is somewhat anonymously. I sit on the edge of my chair, waiting daily for her to post something new for me to digest.

I also want to honor Nity at I Believe in Miracles with this award. Nity is another wonderful Christian woman who encourages others and finds strength in a loving and unfailing God. She picks you up when you are down, gives you strength when you are weak, and is full of life. I am thankful she is my blogging buddy and can't wait for her to have a child; she will be an amazing mother!

Additionally, Wishing 4 One also deserves the pink Rose Award. This chick has amazing stories about Egypt, posts beautiful pictures of her surroundings, and shares laughter through her blog. She has been through a great deal trying to conceive and yet she still charges on with wit, humor, and a zest for life. 

If you'd like to pass this award on, here's how you can do it:

1. On your blog, copy and paste the award, these rules, a link back to the person who selected you, and a link to this post: "Pink is my favorite color." You will find the story behind the Pink Rose Award and other graphics to choose from there.

2.Select as many reward recipients as you would like, link to their blogs (if they have one), and explain why you have chosen them.

3. Let them know you have selected them for an award by commenting on one of their posts.

4. If you are selected, pass it on by giving the Pink Rose Award to others.

5. If you find that someone you want to nominate has already been selected by someone else, you can still honor them by posting a comment on their award post stating your reasons for wishing to grant them the award.

6. You do not have to wait until someone nominates you to nominate someone else.

5) And last but not least, I hope to have some great pictures and posts for you in the near future. Thank you again for your prayers and encouragement. I am honored to have my blogging buddies and thank God for each and every one of you.

"No matter what happens, keep on beginning and failing. Each time you fail, start all over again, and you will grow stronger until you find that you have accomplished a purpose - not the one you began with perhaps, but one you will be glad to remember." (Anne Sullivan)

WHERE'S THE LIGHT?

I am in a black tunnel. No light. None. A never-ending journey. No end in sight. It's a place I call the "shit hole of misery." This place is like a water well with a lid. You swim and you swim, but you are never closer to surfacing.

I'm not sure why I seem to be drowning right now, but I am. I just am. 

With infertility, there is no "light at the end of the tunnel." There is no end in sight. There is no 100% guarantee of getting what you want. Thus, there is no end to your emotional turmoil.

I have shut the world out. I have closed off my friends. I have limited my emails and phone conversations for fear of revealing too much of my imperfect self. It is not a place many people want to discuss, and it is a place few know how to pull someone out of and brave.  I think I am the only one who can help me. 

Of course, in the midst of my misery, my period and cramps have decided to creep in slowly and miserably. On Friday my cramps were a 9.5 on a 10-point pain scale! I wasn't sure I was going to survive, and I had taken all the pain medication I could take. Babe was worried and began questioning how my endometriosis was ever going to get better. It's not. I am worried it is getting worse by the month, and that scares me. I can take my medication, but I am down for three and four days at a time during my period and the medication does little more than dull the pain.

I have tried leaving God out, and I have tried just the opposite- letting Him in. I do know two thoughts have come to mind frequently the past few days, which I dare share with you. These thoughts have to be of God because they have come to me several times, and they are not something I would think of on my own~

"I want you to be happy." 

I know God wants me to be happy, but my prayers are yet to be fulfilled. I know there is a reason why I do not yet have a child, but that is extremely difficult to accept. If He wants me to be happy, why is my struggle so constant? The pain rages through my bones, from head to toe, like an unrelenting throb that never ceases.

"Ask for prayers."

Ask for prayers? As in ask for help? Let people know I am struggling? 

"Yes."

Let me explain that I did not grow up in a family that prays or attends church. Religion was not a part of my upbringing or early life. It was not until I attended a Christian college, where I felt drawn to an amazing God and found amazing Christian friends.  I know God loves me, but His love and acceptance is completely overwhelming. It is not something I can truly understand. I feel unworthy of anyone's love most days, so assuming God loves me unconditionally is foreign.

Anyway, back to my point.... God has told me to ask for prayers. So, here I sit, bawling my eyes out, and coming to you meekly and humbly to ask for prayers. For those of you that like specifics, here they are:

-Please pray for me to find my way of out of this nasty hole I am in and find some motivation.

-Please pray for God to allow me to find some inner peace with being infertile. Ask that He show me I am not being punished but am enduring this because I need to be broken.

-Please pray that I seek His will and not my own.

-Please pray for peace of mind and help in making tough decisions on this journey, even if they are the ones I fear.

Thank you for allowing me to bear my soul, as nasty as it may be right now. Thank you for not judging me. Thank you for supporting me.

Through your prayers, I hope to see the light soon...

"The light at the end of the tunnel is not an illusion. The tunnel is." (Author Unknown)