Cheers: Halloweenie Party!

I'm headed out of town this weekend to see my BFF, "My Peah." She and her brother always have a big shindig to celebrate Halloween. I wasn't able to go last October because we were in the middle of an IUI with injectables cycle, but I am stoked about the party this year! I plan to drink enough for all of us, especially those of you that can't drink right now. Not that I'm a lush- I just love to celebrate good times and don't often have a reason to do so.

I'm going as a "biker" and will post pictures once I return. Everyone always dresses up for the party, and we hang out, munching on finger foods and playing Guitar Hero and pool. The year before last, I don't think the party ended before 4:00 AM. Yep, it's a BIG party! And, of course, I get to see my favoritest and bestest friend in the whole world. I honestly cannot wait!

Cheers to those of you that can't drink; I'll toast to you this weekend, spreading well wishes and luck, and cheers to those of us that can. May the witches brew drinks, treats and babies for us all!

"I'll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween." (Author Unknown)

To cup, or not to cup: that is the question

• 3 and 3/4 years
• 46 months
  
• 1,391 days
• 33,384 hours
• 2,003,040 minutes
• 120,182,400 seconds
  

This is the length of time I've been dealing with infertility. No wonder Grief and I are battling it out, and he is winning. Grief has the upper hand in this fight. I recently let him literally pin me to the ground to the point where I could barely breathe. I am done with that. I don't want him in control, so I am finding new ways to gain my control back!

My latest adventure lead me to a Chinese herbalist and acupuncturist. Yep, it sure did. I read a book that said when you are searching for an acupuncturist in your area, you should make sure they are listed with the National Certification Commission for Acupuncture and Oriental Medicine. There were only two "doctors" listed in my area, and I knew of one of the facilities because I had received a wonderful massage there previously. I opted to go there, basing my decision on my one-time visit with them and the quality massage I received.

My initial visit lasted a little over two hours, and we discussed every aspect of my emotional & physical imbalance. The first visit with this lady was quite uncomfortable because I was asked to get completely naked (please don't try and visualize this) and lie face down on the massage table with covers on top of me. My Balancer, as I'll refer to her, proceeded to tell me about acupuncture and inserted the needles into different areas of my neck, back, shoulders, calves, and feet. In case anyone who is reading this has never tried acupuncture, let me tell you that I am not scared of needles but in most cases, I couldn't even feel the needles going in as they were being placed. There were a few instances where I felt a sting for about three seconds, but it went away very quickly. After all the needles were in place, she turned the lights down, played some soothing music, and told me to relax for a few minutes. I nearly feel asleep I was so relaxed.

When she came back in, she removed the needles and asked if she could try a procedure called "cup.ping" on me. Now, let me give you some background- I was diagnosed with sc0li0sis when I was in 3rd grade. It is now severe scoliosis. I never wore a brace, but doctors wanted to perform a half-million-dollar surgery to put a rod next to my spine to straighten it. Not even a chance! But as a result of the scoliosis, I have seventeen or so vertebrae that have little to no padding between them. As you can imagine, my sc0li0sis gives me severe headaches and major back pain. Anyway, back to my story...My Balancer asked me if she could do this cup.ping procedure on me, and I asked her what is was for and what it involved. She told me it was for chronic pain. It is a procedure where glass jars are lit on fire and placed to create a vacuum that pulls the skin into the jar to help separate the muscle; it also helps with circulation. Why not? I couldn't see anything since I was face down anyway?

My Balancer warned me that the suction from the jars could leave marks on my skin for a few days, and the ones that were the most red were areas where the cup.ping was helping the most with pain and circulation.

So, I'm going to post a few pictures. If you are easily grossed out, these pictures might not be for you, but I wanted to show you what the end result looks like because it really freaked Babe.

*These two pics are the day the actual cup.ping was done. The spots under my bra straps on either side are actually pretty tender right now, but those are the only ones that have been that way in the three times I have done this.














*This picture is two days after the cup.ping was done.



And no, those are not perfectly round hickeys. Ha!

So, to finish my story, after the jars were removed and the cup.ping complete, My Balancer asked me to flip onto my back and then proceeded with the acupuncture on my collar bone area, stomach, calves, and feet. I felt "lighter," if that even makes sense, but I wasn't sure it was worth the cost of the treatment the first time I went.

I have been to My Balancer a total of three times, and I am now hooked! It has done wonders for me- I sleep better, have less digestive issues, my back pain has been reduced drastically, I have less headaches, feel less stressed and I think it is also helping improve my attitude in general.

I will continue going as long as I feel like it helps. In the mean time: Grief, you better watch out! I am on my way back up and will soon be able to whip you with my hands behind my back!

"He who conquers others is strong; he who conquers himself is mighty." (Lao-tzu)

A Fabulous Deal

Because Danielle is so cool, she is currently offering $20 off all her blog makeovers through October 10th. What a deal! Many of you have commented on the blog makeover that Danielle did for me, so I highly recommend you take advantage of this amazing deal AND donate to The Susan G. Komen Foundation at the same time.

Danielle also designed this beautiful button for Breast Cancer Awareness in October. Feel free to add it your blog too.I'm telling you- you won't regret your decision to have Danielle give your blog a face lift. She is one fabulous, amazing chickie!

Thanks again, Danielle! I respect your giving heart and amazing talent. You have given me great joy the past few days. Thank you for opening my soul to allow a new friendship to blossom. You rock!

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." (Carrie Bradshaw)

The "New Do"

Whatcha think of the new do? Personally, I don't think my blog makeover could have come at a more perfect time, I tell ya. Danielle has done an absolutely amazing job, in my opinion. This girl totally rocks! She worked with me to design exactly what I had in mind, she was patient as I changed my mind and wanted to try new things, and she gave me ideas I wouldn't have thought of had she not suggested them. Her blog designs are very affordable, and she is donating a portion of each blog design from now until Tuesday, October 7th to The Susan G. Komen Foundation.  You should go get check out her site, get on her waiting list, and create your own blog magnificence so money will be donated to cancer research. Now! Go check her out! Seriously! NOW I said!

I could honestly go on and on about Danielle!  I have made a new friend in her and am actually working on a surprise project/idea for you all that she is helping create. I can't wait for it to all come together! Danielle, thank you so much for your help! I adore you and our new friendship!

Now, as for help with my contest- I'd like to thank all of you for your input! I have selected two winners: (drum roll, please)

Jill and poppy.f.seed. Ladies, thank you for your help and ideas. I have some medications to send you, so please email me your address. Jill, I'm going to send you a PIO and Estradiol. Poppy, I am going to send you PIO and HCG. Thank you again for your help. My email is hope2morrow@cox.net.

Babe and I actually decided it might be weird and self-indulgent to give the pictures of us as Christmas gifts so we sorta combined a few of your ideas. We decided to make a CD of our favorites to just give to everyone now. That way our family can pick what they want and have their own copies made. This works for us, and it seems less awkward than giving them as gifts. Thanks for your input and ideas!

As far as my failed cycle, I am trying to make the best of it. I feel really awful that I haven't even been able to talk to My Peah on the phone about it. I text messaged her and told her the results were negative, I couldn't talk because I was too upset (nothing against her), and needed some time to process. I feel like a total ass, but every time I even think about this cycle, I bawl. I feel like a blubbering baby. Why is it so difficult to move forward? And why am I treating one of my best confidantes like crap when all she wants to do is support me? If you're reading this, Peah, I love you and am very grateful for you and your friendship. I am just struggling. Struggling to get out of bed. Struggling to make it through the day. Struggling not to curse Aunt Flo, who arrived tonight with a vengeance. Things will get better. Every day, they will.

In the mean time, I am desperately trying to catch up on posts. Bear with me....

"When you're depressed, the whole body is depressed, and it translates to the cellular level. The first objective is to get your energy up, and you can do it through play. It's one of the most powerful ways of breaking up hopelessness and bringing energy into the situation." (O. Carl Simonton)

Stupid Results

 I feel like I'm disappointing myself, Babe, and the entire world as I type this: My HcG was negative. Why do I feel like God and the world are rejecting me?

"It's not the end of the world, but sometimes it sure feels like it." (hope2morrow)

Veins

I realized today that all of us struggling through infertility are like veins. Veins support one another, transport, bleed, and are intertwined. You all are the veins in this journey, carrying me through when times are tough, transporting peace and hope, bleeding with me when my heart cries, reaching out when help is needed, and weaving your way into my life like you will never understand. Thank you for your support.

These past few weeks have been so busy, and I feel horrible for not commenting at the pace I usually do. I think things will be better in the upcoming weeks. Bare with me. I still adore you and often I am reading your posts; I just haven't had much time to comment.

My appointment at the doctor's on Thursday was interesting. I showed the doctor the whelps on my rear end, and he said I was developing an allergy to the oil in the Progesterone and Estradiol Valerate. He said he had another woman with a similar reaction, but she refused to tell him because she wanted to have a baby so badly and she feared he would take her off the needed medications. She ended up in the hospital because her throat closed in from an allergic reaction. Needless to say, he took me off both medications.

Apparently only 5-10% of patients develop this allergy. Go figure that I would be one of them. I have now been put on Estrace tablets twice a day orally and once a day vaginally in addition to a vaginal gel called Cronin twice daily. I'm not really sure if the intramuscular injections or this new regimen is worse. Doesn't matter- I'll do it in hopes of a baby. 

My doctor was pretty unkind to me Thursday evening when I had to page him because I couldn't find the Cronin after calls to three different pharmacies. My pharmacy ordered it, but it was not likely to be there until Friday morning or Monday. My doctor told me to continue calling pharmacies because I needed to take it that evening. He said I was bound to find it, even if I had to call multiple places. The doctor said he had prescribed it before, but that it was difficult to find because so few people needed it.  My awesome pharmacy must have heard the panic in my voice when I returned at 7:15 PM to tell them I needed the prescription note back because they called about fifteen places until they found a neighboring city that had it. Bless their hearts. I thanked them profusely and zoomed off to get the much-needed medication.

Babe was so ticked with my doctor he could hardly speak. He said that even if only 5-10% of our doctor's patients needed this medication, the doctor should know where it could be found. He wanted me to be sure and tell the doctor that if I got pregnant this month it wasn't because of him; it was in spite of him. Babe feels like 50% of my stress comes from the doctor and his staff. After he rattled off a list of times I had been upset with the clinic, I could hardly disagree with him. 

Anyway, I'm still praying Thaw and Hatch stay put, but my hope isn't as high as it was toward the beginning of this cycle. Guess we'll know Thursday of this week after the blood test. And no- I don't do the home pregnancy tests; I wait for the actual blood test results.

In other news, I have a new puppy cousin. My grandpa went and bought my aunt a new puppy after the incident with Riley occurred. The new puppy's name is Quincy; he is so darn adorable. As soon as I take some pictures, I promise to post them. Quincy came over for a play date this week, and he was welcomed by my two furbabies. I'm glad Quincy is a part of our family, but I know my aunt misses Riley dearly. She's still having a hard time with the guilt she feels for not taking good enough care of Riley- she says she doesn't deserve a new puppy. She also told me "the event" continues to play through her mind before she falls asleep every night. I think only time can heal her wounds and the horrible memories of the accident. 

Many of you told me I needed some rest, and you'll be glad to know I have taken it pretty easy this weekend. Yeah! Thanks for the advice.

Also, since I can no longer take Progesterone in Oil and Estradiol Valerate, I'd like to hold a contest to give away some extras I have for anyone that needs them. I have the following unopened medications to give away:

2- 50 mg/mL bottles of Progesterone in Oil

1- 20 mg/mL Estradiol Valerate

1- 10,000 Units of HCG 

I hope they can go to a good home and save someone some money. If you need any of these and would like to participate in the giveaway, please post a comment letting me know which medication(s) you need and then replying with an answer to the contest scenario:

Babe and I had some family portraits taken with the two of us. There are 175 pictures, and we ended up really liking more than forty of them. Our plan was to frame some of them and give them to parents and grandparents for Christmas. The problem is we feel like everyone may want a different pose... so we want a creative way to give family members the choice of pictures/poses. How do we present our individual family members with their options without having to print a zillion of every pose?  

Contest ends Friday, September 26 at 6:00 PM Central time, so make sure your entries are in by that time. You can comment as many times as you can think of ideas, and I'll pick as many winners as needed to get rid of all the medications. Make sure I have a way to get back with you, either via blog or email. 

I can't wait to hear your ideas! Even if you don't need any of the medications, you are more than welcome to participate too. I'll think of another prize for you if you win the contest. Thanks for all your help, friends!

"There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness." (Carl Jung)

FET, "Thaw" and "Hatch"

To begin, I'm sorry this post is choppy. I'm trying to give you all updates since you've been so kind and supportive, asking how everything went last week. I'm headed to bed early tonight so again, I apologize for the roughness of this post.

FET occurred last Thursday, September 11th. Two embryos were transferred- a 4BB and a 6BA. I have named them "Thaw" and "Hatch." One was literally described by the doctor as "hatching," hence the name "Hatch." The other- well, that one is self explanatory. Never named my embryos before, but it felt right to do so this time. 

Transfer went okay.  Doctor freaked about me driving myself and told me I should have called to ask him. I did; I called the nurse, and she said it was fine. Doctor forgot about the speculum after the transfer and almost left the room. I had to remind him he needed to remove it. Seriously. Not even joking.

Bed rest after transfer on Thursday.

Friday I worked my fingers to the bone. Later that night, I got a call that my aunt's new six-month old puppy, Riley, had been hit by a car (Her seventeen-year old dog died just before she got Riley). On the way over to Cindy's, my mom called to tell me that the puppy had jumped out the car window while she was driving in her neighborhood and hadn't survived. A neighbor who stopped to help my aunt called my grandma to tell her he was "very concerned" about "the lady" because she was hysterical. I was the first family member to arrive. Blood everywhere! She was literally covered in blood; it was one of the most horrific scenes I had ever seen. She was sitting on the curb, bawling, and holding Riley in a towel. The smell was awful. It was gruesome and sad. My heart ached for her. Apparently Riley jumped out her window while she was driving, and she hit him. Dogs are family members in our eyes. She lost a part of herself Friday nigh that she will never get back, and she blames herself for Riley's death.

Babe "took care of" Riley for us later that night, and I stayed with my aunt until about 2:00 in the morning. She is a smoker, and although she didn't smoke in the house while I was there, you could smell it rampantly in her tiny condo.

The longer I was there, the more stressed I became about the embryos and the shot I needed at 6:30 AM the morning. It was a bad, bad experience, but I wouldn't have left her alone for anything in the world. I don't regret my decision to stay, but I am concerned about the stress, the smoke smell, and my lack of rest so soon after the transfer.

Have been drinking a hot coffee-like beverage that my friend gave me supposedly containing no caffeine. I stressed the importance of no caffeine! Come to find out it has 79.8 milligrams of caffeine per serving. Dang it! Why was I stupid enough to not look the ingredient/nutritional information up until now?

Tired. Grumpy. Overworked. Concerned about the embryos and their survival. My stress is stressing. Ultimately, I know this is in God's hands and "whatever will be, will be,"  but this sure isn't looking good. I know the embryo(s) would attach despite all of this in a normal person's body, but I am not normal. Man, I could really use a break.

Doctor's appointment tomorrow AM to check my Estrogen and Progesterone levels in case adjustments need to be made to my meds. My rear end is very sore and "bumpy." Anyone else get large, red, raised areas from the Progesterone in Oil injections? I've never had them like this and am almost embarrassed to show my doctor. Maybe I can ask him about it in the morning.

More soon, I promise. And hopefully with better news.....

"Chaos is a friend of mine." (Bob Dylan)