He Loves Me...

Me- Just shy of 30 years old.

Babe- 42 years old and aging.

I can't live life without a child. Better yet, I cannot imagine never being a mother. And right now, I am childless- Without a child and without a guaranteed baby in our future.

Babe and I have made some huge decisions in the past few weeks. Decisions I never thought I would be forced to make or discuss in my lifetime, if nothing more than hypothetically.

My insurance coverage is phenomenal for infertility, leaving us to pay maybe 20% of all procedures and medications, a true blessing. For this alone, I cannot abandon ART/infertility treatments knowing God provided this amazing job and coverage for me when only two years ago I prayed God would provide a way for Babe and I to financially afford whatever infertility treatments the future held. So, here I sit with multiple failed cycles: Clomid, injections and IUIs, IVF, FET, and another FET in the works. Childless. Wondering if I will ever be a mother. I cannot quit my dream. I cannot quit my future. I cannot quit my opportunity. I cannot quit myself and my dreams. I cannot quit the doubt and the uncertainty that eats my flesh, punctures my hope, and stills my beating heart.

And while I realize I am fairly young, Babe is not. We originally decided we would stop trying to have kids when Babe was 42. But 42 is here for him, and I am not yet ready to quit trying. I realize men can have babies physically much older than women. However, I do not want Babe to be an "old" dad. Nor do I feel like it is fair for me to ask my husband to parent when he should/could be enjoying retirement. I am not ready to give up my dream of being a mother, either.

Since there are no guarantees with infertility, we have decided to pursue adoption while continuing our infertility treatments. I know many agencies have an age limit of 45 and most will cancel your adoption paperwork if you get pregnant during the adoption process, but I have to try. I have to find an agency that will work with us. I have to find someone that will help me fulfill my dream. I have to know that at the end of this road- somewhere- there is a child for us. It doesn't matter to Babe or I if our little one is biological or not. How can we not pursue both?

Adoption is essentially a guarantee, much more so, in my opinion, than Assisted Reproductive Technology.  As for my insurance, I surely can't forsake what God has given me. Not yet. 

And here is where my guilt comes in to play. I want to try this FET in September. If it doesn't work, I want to give Doctor B (the one that has better IVF statistics than Doctor A, my current RE) a shot at a fresh IVF cycle, but I feel guilty. Guilt at leaving the doctor I have been with for more than a year and a half. Guilt because I still have three frozen blastocycts. Guilt because I am pursuing adoption and fertility treatments to ensure we will have a child. Guilt for being selfish in my desires to build a family. Guilt for having insurance coverage that will allow me to do another fresh IVF cycle before using all my frozen blastocysts when others struggle to pay for Clomid. Through my guilt, I just know I have to give Doctor B a shot or I will always wonder...

Babe has been so supportive. I thought he would throw a fit about the money needed for adoption and the obvious debt we will be forced into if we choose to adopt. I thought he would think I was losing my mind. I thought he would stop loving me for not being able to pursue treatment after treatment with no end in sight. I thought he would leave me because I wasn't strong enough. I thought he would laugh at me.

But he hasn't. And he won't. He loves me. He loves me for me. He loves me even when my body doesn't work properly. He loves me, even after I discuss option after option after option with him. He loves me and he has never not loved me.

So, for those of you that can undergo three, four, and five plus IVF cycles, I salute you. You are strong, strong women. You have amazing determination and persistence. You are honorable and worthy of ten babies! For me, my last shot will probably be either this FET in September or a fresh cycle with Doctor B (whenever that may be). I just don't have "it" in me to continue, whatever "it" may be.

For those of you that have survived adoption, I'd like to know how you chose your agency. We are researching both Domestic and International adoption, but after looking at many of the wait times for International adoption, are leaning more toward Domestic, although we are not yet ruling out International adoption. Do you have a certain agency you would recommend that does Interstate or International adoptions? Or do you have an agency you would never use because of your own personal experience or a friend's horror stories? I'd love to hear from anyone on this topic!

I almost feel a sense of relief making some of these decisions and having these candid discussions with Babe. Not to say that our decisions can't change, but I always feel better having a plan. I'm amazed at the energy and motivation I have since we have decided to pursue adoption and find an agency that fits our needs. It is like a heavy weight has been lifted off me, minus the guilt. And through all this, Babe still loves me. He loves me and he has never not loved me.

"Before you begin a thing remind yourself that difficulties and delays quite impossible to foresee are ahead.... You can only see one thing clearly, and that is your goal. Form a mental vision of that and cling to it through thick and thin." (Kathleen Norris)

TIME IS DEFEATING ME MOMENTARILY

Ah! I'm so sorry I haven't posted in what seems like forever. Work is literally kicking my rear right now! I have so many things I want to share, tons of catching up to do, and pictures to post; but all that will have to wait.

Sorry I haven't had a chance to comment; I am itching to see what is happening in the blog world.

Hopefully this "tag" will suffice as a post until I have more time. I was tagged by Nity.

Rules: Answer each question with one word and tag four others to play.

1. Where is your cell phone? purse

2. Your significant other? Babe

3. Your hair? blonder

4. Your mother? kind

5. Your father? unrealistic

6. Your favorite thing? Internet

7. Your dream last night? work

8. Your favorite drink? fruity

9. Your dream/goal? babies

10. The room you're in? office

11. Your hobby? blogging

12. Your fear? childless

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? happier

14. What you're not? mother

15. Muffins? cherry

16. One of your wish list items? none

17. Where you grew up? Oklahoma

18. The last thing you did? T.V.

19. What are you wearing? PJs

20. Favorite gadget? computer

21. Your pet? dogs

22. Your computer? Mac

23. Your mood? tired

24. Missing someone? Peah

25. Your car? black

26. Something you are not wearing? socks

27. Favorite store? Target

28. Like someone? Hubby

29. Your favorite color? yellow

30. When is the last time you laughed? today

31. Last time you cried? today

Tagged: Just Me, Rachie Pachie, wishing4one, Me

P.S. I cry all the time, so crying today was not necessarily a bad thing. I get teared up at sappy commercials. Crying is just a way for me to release all of my emotions (sadness, happiness, being overwhelmed, exhausted, etc). I had to add this comment because I didn't want anyone worrying about me. I'm great; just busy!

Toodles for now!

"Work is the best method devised for killing time." (William Feather)

HODGE PODGE, MISH MASH, AND PINK ROSES

Thank you. Thank you for your prayers, your well-wishes, and your words of wisdom. I am escaping the darkness and the negativity and moving toward a lighter, more hopeful place. Because I reached out to ask for help and because of your prayers, I am feeling much better. God has lifted me out of the darkness.

I have so many random things to discuss.... I'm going to number my thoughts so if you'd like to comment about one of them, you can just type the number and tell me your thoughts. That way, if you don't want to comment on all of them or don't have time, we can still hear your imparted wisdom.

1) How and why did you choose to be an anonymous blogger or non-anonymous blogger? For example, I post as "Hope2morrow" instead of my real name. Why? Why not just use my real name? I have a real picture of Babe and I on my blog and intend to add more pictures. Are there ways you can be tracked back to your house if your email address is listed or you have pictures of you and your family on your blog? I love seeing others post pictures of themselves and their families, but I worry about safety and security. Should I be concerned with safety and security, especially if I add photos of my family? Anyone have any thoughts, comments, or answers about this?

2) When you start commenting on another person's blog, but they never return the comments, do you stop commenting? Do you give it a certain amount of time before you stop or do you just quit commenting?

3) I have to see the light. I'm ready to catapult myself out of the sinister darkness. I started swimming toward the light and have been doing lots of projects around the house. I'll wait until another post to tell you about all of the projects, but I've been a very busy girl. I also have renewed hope and determination to move forward. Thus, I am going to try not to dwell on the past. I am going to continue pursuing my heart's desires for a child until I feel like it is time to stop. I am going to try and not look back. Instead, I want to learn from those mistakes, keep my eye on the prize, and be optimistic about our great chances of conce

iving. This is not to say I will not falter or have bad days, but this is my pledge to do my best to stay positive in a crappy situation. I know I am going through this experience for many, many reasons that I may or may not ever know. So, I'll climb the rope until I can no longer climb. 

4) I was given The Pink Rose Award by my dear friend Just Me. Just Me is hilarious, random, fun-loving, and a bit ADD. She and I have an ongoing joke about wearing our Big Girl Underwear (even on days we don't feel like getting out of bed)- she wears SuperWoman and I wear WonderWoman. I hope you visit her site to get a glimpse of her creativity, but be warned about her potty mouth. 

I want to pass the Pink Rose Award along to some wonderful encouragers:

     

Angie Smith at Bring the Rain is one of the most amazing, Godly women I have ever met. Well, I haven't officially met her, but I know her through her blog and have been reading her blog for many, many months. In fact, her blog inspired me to begin my own. Angie is uplifting, encouraging, real, and her posts capture raw emotion. I am a huge fan of hers, even if it is somewhat anonymously. I sit on the edge of my chair, waiting daily for her to post something new for me to digest.

I also want to honor Nity at I Believe in Miracles with this award. Nity is another wonderful Christian woman who encourages others and finds strength in a loving and unfailing God. She picks you up when you are down, gives you strength when you are weak, and is full of life. I am thankful she is my blogging buddy and can't wait for her to have a child; she will be an amazing mother!

Additionally, Wishing 4 One also deserves the pink Rose Award. This chick has amazing stories about Egypt, posts beautiful pictures of her surroundings, and shares laughter through her blog. She has been through a great deal trying to conceive and yet she still charges on with wit, humor, and a zest for life. 

If you'd like to pass this award on, here's how you can do it:

1. On your blog, copy and paste the award, these rules, a link back to the person who selected you, and a link to this post: "Pink is my favorite color." You will find the story behind the Pink Rose Award and other graphics to choose from there.

2.Select as many reward recipients as you would like, link to their blogs (if they have one), and explain why you have chosen them.

3. Let them know you have selected them for an award by commenting on one of their posts.

4. If you are selected, pass it on by giving the Pink Rose Award to others.

5. If you find that someone you want to nominate has already been selected by someone else, you can still honor them by posting a comment on their award post stating your reasons for wishing to grant them the award.

6. You do not have to wait until someone nominates you to nominate someone else.

5) And last but not least, I hope to have some great pictures and posts for you in the near future. Thank you again for your prayers and encouragement. I am honored to have my blogging buddies and thank God for each and every one of you.

"No matter what happens, keep on beginning and failing. Each time you fail, start all over again, and you will grow stronger until you find that you have accomplished a purpose - not the one you began with perhaps, but one you will be glad to remember." (Anne Sullivan)

WHERE'S THE LIGHT?

I am in a black tunnel. No light. None. A never-ending journey. No end in sight. It's a place I call the "shit hole of misery." This place is like a water well with a lid. You swim and you swim, but you are never closer to surfacing.

I'm not sure why I seem to be drowning right now, but I am. I just am. 

With infertility, there is no "light at the end of the tunnel." There is no end in sight. There is no 100% guarantee of getting what you want. Thus, there is no end to your emotional turmoil.

I have shut the world out. I have closed off my friends. I have limited my emails and phone conversations for fear of revealing too much of my imperfect self. It is not a place many people want to discuss, and it is a place few know how to pull someone out of and brave.  I think I am the only one who can help me. 

Of course, in the midst of my misery, my period and cramps have decided to creep in slowly and miserably. On Friday my cramps were a 9.5 on a 10-point pain scale! I wasn't sure I was going to survive, and I had taken all the pain medication I could take. Babe was worried and began questioning how my endometriosis was ever going to get better. It's not. I am worried it is getting worse by the month, and that scares me. I can take my medication, but I am down for three and four days at a time during my period and the medication does little more than dull the pain.

I have tried leaving God out, and I have tried just the opposite- letting Him in. I do know two thoughts have come to mind frequently the past few days, which I dare share with you. These thoughts have to be of God because they have come to me several times, and they are not something I would think of on my own~

"I want you to be happy." 

I know God wants me to be happy, but my prayers are yet to be fulfilled. I know there is a reason why I do not yet have a child, but that is extremely difficult to accept. If He wants me to be happy, why is my struggle so constant? The pain rages through my bones, from head to toe, like an unrelenting throb that never ceases.

"Ask for prayers."

Ask for prayers? As in ask for help? Let people know I am struggling? 

"Yes."

Let me explain that I did not grow up in a family that prays or attends church. Religion was not a part of my upbringing or early life. It was not until I attended a Christian college, where I felt drawn to an amazing God and found amazing Christian friends.  I know God loves me, but His love and acceptance is completely overwhelming. It is not something I can truly understand. I feel unworthy of anyone's love most days, so assuming God loves me unconditionally is foreign.

Anyway, back to my point.... God has told me to ask for prayers. So, here I sit, bawling my eyes out, and coming to you meekly and humbly to ask for prayers. For those of you that like specifics, here they are:

-Please pray for me to find my way of out of this nasty hole I am in and find some motivation.

-Please pray for God to allow me to find some inner peace with being infertile. Ask that He show me I am not being punished but am enduring this because I need to be broken.

-Please pray that I seek His will and not my own.

-Please pray for peace of mind and help in making tough decisions on this journey, even if they are the ones I fear.

Thank you for allowing me to bear my soul, as nasty as it may be right now. Thank you for not judging me. Thank you for supporting me.

Through your prayers, I hope to see the light soon...

"The light at the end of the tunnel is not an illusion. The tunnel is." (Author Unknown)

LOVE ME?

I came home from work last Thursday, and Babe said to me, "I read your blog today."

(Gasp!) What did you think? (He hasn't read it since my first post)

"I think you sound like you are doing fine on paper."

So you don't think I'm doing well in real life?

"It just sounds like on paper you can sort out what is realistic and logical and what isn't, but in real life, you're having a hard time with that. I'm also surprised you didn't bash me on your blog since you always seem to be so angry. It seems I can't say or do anything right. I don't know how to fix this."

I love you, Babe. I know I'm having a really hard time with this. I'm sorry. I don't know how to compartmentalize all these irrational and negative feelings that I have.

"You know I love you, right?"

Yeah.

"You know I'll love you whether we have a baby or not, right?"

I hope so.

"I do love you. This infertility does not define you. I love you. Why can't you understand that?"

(through massive tears) I'm not me. I don't love myself right now.


"But there is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for." (Paulo Coelho)

WHO AM I?

I returned from my Vegas vacation Saturday evening after a very, very long drive and was exhausted. I felt grumpy, agitated, irritated, and questioning why I went because I felt completely drained.

I assumed it was my exhaustion.

Sunday morning and afternoon I spent most of the day catching up on work email since I knew this week was going to be long, and I had been vacationing the previous week. Sunday evening I went to a co-worker's house for dinner with several other colleagues that were in town from out of state. I felt grumpy, agitated, irritated, questioning why I went (I had to go), and needing some time alone.

I assumed it was my exhaustion.

Monday I started my day at 4:30 AM and didn't finish work obligations until 11:30 PM when I dropped my boss off at her hotel. I got into an argument with Babe once I returned home and had nightmares: I was shot in a drive-by with a gun aimed directly at me, my doctor told me I was never going to get pregnant, my unwed best friend told me she is pregnant, and I locked myself in my bedroom for days (even though I was already dead) and was content with not talking to anyone. Thank goodness (I guess) this was all a dream. I felt grumpy, agitated, irritated, questioning why I went (I had to go), needing some time alone, and sad because I had a bad feeling about this cycle.

I assumed it was my exhaustion.

Tuesday I started my day at 5:30 AM. I went to my doctor at 7:30 AM, only to discover that the ultrasound didn't look so great, he was worried I had already ovulated, and this cycle was going to be cancelled. Received a call at 12:30 PM from the doctor saying I had ovulated, my progesterone was high (because I ovulated), this cycle had to be cancelled (no frozen transfer), and I couldn't try again with another cycle until September (3 days before my thirtieth birthday) because of the clinic's frozen transfer schedule. I spent my afternoon trying to hold back tears, had to go to dinner with out-of-state co-workers, and didn't get home until 7:30 PM. I felt grumpy, agitated, irritated, questioning why I went (I had to go), needing some time alone, sad because I had a bad feeling about this cycle and knew I never should have hoped in the first place, and questioning My God and why He would allow me to be so miserable if He really loved me.

I know it is me and not my exhaustion.

So here I sit this Wednesday evening ...

• Where do I go from here? Who the hell knows?
• Why do I ever have hope that things are going to eventually work out? I don't.
• Why have I lost my faith in God- that He will answer my dreams of becoming a mother? Surely my gracious and loving God would not make me suffer this much if He truly existed.
• Why have I stopped praying? Because I no longer hope? Yep, probably so. Hope is dead.
• Who am I and who have I become? Definitely not someone I am proud of right now. I'm not sure who I am, but I know I don't like "her."
• How do I get the "old me" back? She's dead. She won't ever be back, even if I do become a mother?
• Why can't my husband understand how I feel and at least try to empathize? I guess he's too busy trying to avoid me because I'm cranky and cry or get irritated easily.
• Why can't I love myself? I'm no longer worthy of love.
• Why can't I get enough energy up to be happy for others when they get a positive pregnancy test? I'm too sad for myself.
• Why should my marriage suffer because I want a child? It shouldn't, but it does. I haven't learned to get past my own disappointment and my husband is fearful of how long this journey could continue.
• When is enough enough? In my eyes, not until I have a baby in my arms.
• Why can't I just let it all go? I can't. I just can't.
• Why am I in so much emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental anguish? Because I deserve it.
• Is it the end of the world? Nope, but I have to keep on going. Every day. Smile on my face. It's not the end of the world, but I want to be swallowed by it.

I know it is me and not my exhaustion.

"A man can be destroyed but not defeated." (Ernest Hemingway)

MY REALITY OF BROKEN

I'm sorry it has been a while since I posted, and I appreciate some of you checking in on me. I actually went to the beach with some college friends and assumed I would be able to post, but I didn't have Internet access. I missed blogging and realized what an outlet it has become to post as well as read about others' adventures. I am leaving town again tomorrow for a week so I wanted to post an update before I left. . .

Before my trip to the beach, I realized I had not had a period in about forty-five days. I had taken a pregnancy test (negative results) because I was undergoing some x-rays. I called my doctor, and he assumed I hadn't ovulated but asked me to come in for a mucus test (doesn't that just sound disgusting?) and ultrasound. The results showed us that I had not ovulated; he put me on Provera for seven days to start my period.

While on my fabulous beach trip, I spent time with three friends, two of which have children. As much as it killed me to hear stories about their children's adventures, I also know this is their reality. They spend most days home with their young ones and had great stories to tell. Often when they spoke of their kids, I could feel myself withdrawing and being quiet. What was I supposed to say? They have every right to talk about their children.

I broke down once at dinner and was mortified. I don't want attention. I don't want people feeling sorry for me. I don't want anyone to pity me. But at the same time, I want people to think before they speak.

One day as we took a beach stroll, I ventured to my quiet place as they spoke of their kids again, and I began noticing the beautiful shells on the beach. For some reason, I was drawn to the sand dollars. There were sand dollars of all shapes and sizes- some big, some small, some perfect and whole, and others broken and cracked. These sand dollars were like my friends and me: The perfect and whole and complete ones represented my friends with children. The cracked and broken ones represented me, the infertile one. But there was even more to this comparison than not having children. The sand dollars that were broken or cracked had character, they lacked something, and they were incomplete. I so desired for them to be complete every time I picked one up on the beach. I felt they deserved to be whole. I felt they had been through tough times. I felt they were just like my life without children: broken.

Upon returning home, I started my period and headed back to the doctor for my baseline ultrasound since I'll be undergoing a frozen transfer cycle in July. My doctor saw me on cycle day 1 because I was going to be out of town when he wanted to see me. As he viewed the ultrasound, he told me he wanted my follicles to all be less than ten. He began rattling off numbers to the nurse- the thickness of my lining, the size of my ovaries, the size of my follicles, etc. Two follicles were slightly larger than ten. He explained that I had the possibility of this cycle being cancelled- something to do with too much progesterone and possibly needing Lupron to shut my body down next time if this doesn't end up working out in July. He also mentioned that it was early in my cycle and things could change, which is why he doesn't like to see patients on cycle day 1. I begin my estradiol injections when my period is nearly finished, call him, and then will return for another ultrasound and blood work when I get back in town that will give us more information on whether we will proceed with the next cycle or not.

My doctor's comments flew above my head and his words swirled around me. My brain could only visualize those sand dollars, that walk on the beach, and my reality of broken.



"I guess when your heart gets broken you sort of start to see cracks in everything. I'm convinced that tragedy wants to harden us and our mission is never to let it." (Anonymous)